Westward 2013, debrief

SO, blogosphere, it appears that the King of the Wild Frontier has returned from his latest adventure and is ready to resume his online thought processing!

Most of you have heard my trip to Idaho was full of rewarding work and beautiful scenery. I could stop there, and it would be entirely accurate...but for those who want more, allow me to expound.

The trip out was an experience in and of itself. My friend Taylor and I camped in National Forests for free most of the way. We heard wolves in the mountains near one campsite, slept practically on the Continental Divide, and paid an arm and a leg to do next to nothing in Yellowstone National Park.

Once we got to the farm, things got even better. It was situated between three separate ranges of the Rockies (the Selkirks, Purcells, and Cabinets), and was far from any serious human clutter and noise. There was a small line of mountains right behind the farm, and I summited two of the peaks in one day: Line Point and Goat Mountain. Unfortunately, I neglected to plan well enough and almost had to spend the night on a mountainside in grizzly bear country. Heh, whoops.

The job itself was great. Good, hard work four days a week, and three-day weekends. I also realised how much farm work of this sort suits me. This should not have come as a surprise to me, as almost my entire family is comprised of farmers going back generations. I would strongly consider working for a similar farm (or even the same one) full-time whenever I settle down.

Our time on the farm (Ronniger's Organics, in case you were wondering) did include one very untimely event, though. Another intern who had been working there since around May shot and killed himself in his own cabin, which was just a hundred or so yards from our cabin and the owners' home. This came as a shock to everyone, and made things hard for quite some time. I have never dealt with death before, and especially not suicide. I am unsure what else to say about it, really...I was not particularly close to him, but our boss Simon was good friends with him, and he took it very hard for a while. Taylor and I just tried to keep our minds off it.

Changing topics completely now, I kept a journal every single day of the trip except five days while we were at the Barter Faire, which I will discuss later. Journaling regularly is something I have always wanted to do, but have never felt quite able or motivated enough to actually accomplish. It truly helped me to process my thoughts on a daily basis, kept me reading and writing, and strengthened my resolve to pursue some of my personal goals. I may post one or two journal entries here when I get the chance. I used my journal to also practice writing in general, and it is full of edits, so the posts will not be as raw as they are in their current state.

As I mentioned, I also read quite a bit. I finished "Into the Wild" by John Krakauer, the story of Chris McCandless, who abandoned everything he had after college to search for something...purpose, himself, the meaning of life, a real existence, God...he died alone in the Alaskan wilderness. His search, though, resounded in my soul, and showed what one young man can (and cannot) do if he sets his mind to it.

Next, I read "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek," an abstract Christian nature theology book by Annie Dillard which explores both the wonder and horror displayed in Creation. Very interesting and even beautiful at times, but very difficult to read. The descriptions of her experiences with the Spirit of God in nature really hit home in me.

A book which I have been trying to read for almost two years now, "'Hunting Trips of a Ranchman' and 'The Wilderness Hunter'" by Theodore Roosevelt, saw its completion on this trip. Roosevelt's descriptions of the West and life on the old prairie are the stuff of legend: tales of hunting grizzly bears, sleeping in buffalo robes, and heading out on horseback for days with nothing but a blanket, a gun, and some bread and water.

I also began reading some Henry David Thoreau, whose writings were referenced by Krakauer and Dillard. His longings for solitude in nature, yet also true friendship, also echo deep in my soul. I have yet to finish the compilation of his works I am reading, though, so I have not fully developed my thoughts on him yet.

Now, before finishing up, let me quickly explain the Barter Faire, which I mentioned in passing earlier. It is actually called the Okanogan Family Faire, and is located roughly in central Washington. The fair takes place over about five days, and is a combination of a giant farmers' market, a music festival, a county fair, and a hippie festival...and I am very serious about the hippies. This place was almost like a dream come true for me: trading vegetables for other goods, working and having fun at the same time, and giant, intense drum circles all night long. Yes, drum circles. The event was basically the end of our time working at the farm, and certainly was a great way to finish the season, as Simon told us it would be.

All in all, my time in Idaho served to shape me more fully as a man. I will always have room to grow, of course, but I can identify very specific areas of growth. First, again as mentioned earlier, my resolve was strengthened. Through helping me identify what I truly value in life (that is, who and whose opinions are important to me, my true passions and life goals, and the lifestyle I want to pursue), God strengthened my motivation to take certain steps. These include: moving out of the Lansing area and living with my friend Andrew (who is also trying to move forward in life and chase the westward dream), educating myself on geology and paleontology for now, and saving up to move to Durango, CO as soon as possible. Several occurrences prior to my departure and the lessons I learned while in Idaho have made it clear that the time to sit and wait is over: now is the time for action. So, Andrew and I are moving to Grand Rapids this January, where we will be working and getting ready to eventually move away.

Second, I learned about working hard and working over your scheduled time in order to complete a job. Perhaps it was easier because I enjoyed the job so much, but my time on the farm helped me understand the importance of work in life. I do not view work as a bad thing, or as something I must do in order to make a living, but rather as an opportunity to serve others and build up oneself at the same time. I used to complain about staying late at previous jobs, but now I see doing the work well and seeing it to completion is actually quite personally rewarding.

Third, making this trip happen was in itself a very important moment of growth. I have never done something this "crazy" before, but after being on the farm for a few weeks I realised it was not so crazy after all. In fact, it felt right...and almost normal. This realisation was very important for my life in the future. Now I can see doing things like this is both very possible and absolutely fantastic.

I hope this sheds more light on what the trip meant to me. Naturally, there is still much left unsaid, but such is life. I would like to express all the lessons I learned, ways I grew, and experiences I had to all of you, but I simply cannot. They are my own, and belong to no other.

Please, I urge you to take the step you are too afraid to take, shoot for the goal you think impossible, and make your own dreams come true. It can be done, and once you try, you will be living life on a new level. Then, the lessons, growth, and experiences will be all yours. Then, God will show you things about yourself you never imagined.

Peace.

Westward 2013, pre-launch

So, here we are again. The third summer's-end in a row I'm making a trip west. This trip is much different, though. Instead of a vacation, it is a work trip, a seasonal volunteer opportunity, a long road trip, a new temporary home, a chance to unplug myself from most technology and the rest of the world for a season.

The true reality of going to Idaho, however, is it will be a spiritual journey.

I am leaving behind the world I know: my job, my family, my state, my dear friends, my perspectives, most of my belongings, and maybe even a bit of my self. A different life awaits me on the opposite end of this journey. I do not know what it will look like, or if it will "look" different at all.

I will not be the same, though.

A friend told me this would be the case, but also explained how my old ways and thoughts will not be easily shaken off. Change, although encouraged by a new location and lifestyle, still does not come easy. It comes with a price.

I hope to spend a lot of time reading, writing (something I have not done much of before), making music, and experiencing God's beauty in the mountains. The same previously mentioned friend also told me to make intentional goals for my time there in order to get the most out of it and facilitate the change I desire. These goals are probably going to be related to the activities I just mentioned.

This weekend was a very emotional one for me. I hosted a send-off party at my house, and over thirty of my friends came to say goodbye. I received many kind words, and some meaningful gifts...the greatest of these was love. After almost everyone had gone, I realised how much I love my friends, and how much they love me. They truly are my family; not to diminish how much I value my family, but rather to say how much I value my friends. We treat each other as family.

Last night I took one final trip to Grand Rapids to support a friend who was performing a stand-up routine, and to see my best friend Korey. I don't often use specific names on this blog, purposefully so, but it is appropriate to mention him. We could not spend much time together, but it meant so much for us to see each other before I left. He also gave me some very meaningful gifts and words.

One friend commented on how we said goodbye as if we would never see each other again.

It is better to love fully, without holding back, than to keep it inside. Fear of rejection stifles the human desire to be vulnerable with each other.

A famous quote from C.S. Lewis:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

God is slowly showing me what love without fear looks like. Perhaps this is what will be different about me when I return to Michigan once more (I was tempted to write "for the final time" instead of "once more"...a good friend once told me I am very dramatic, but it is a good thing because God made my personality this way, haha. Perhaps "final time" is too dramatic, but who knows?).

On a different note, I am moving out of Lansing today. Tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday I will be traveling around southeast Michigan: cutting bank ties and seeing a few more friends before I go. Friday and Saturday I will be spending some final time in northern Michigan, and Sunday will be a farewell cookout at my church and one last board game with some friends from Lansing.

Labor Day, Monday, September 2, we leave for Idaho.

I know many of you will want to know what is going on while I am there. I will likely not be blogging or using Facebook during my time on the farm, and I have no idea if I will be able to call people using my cell phone. When possible, I would like to send group e-mail updates to those who will read them. If you want, send me an e-mail soon so I can have a list of addresses ready before I leave. No promises on the frequency of these e-mails, but I will try my hardest to keep you informed.

butlerc777@gmail.com

Your prayers are appreciated. Thank you.

Peace.

Honesty

So, today I had a very minor crisis. I was going to see my mom, and as I started driving, I realised I was wearing my tank-top. This wouldn't be any big deal at all if she had any idea that I have a tattoo on my arm.

I got a cross-Trinity combination tattoo from one of my best friends last November. It was something I designed myself, and that I had wanted for over a year. I'd been waiting for the right time, a time when I really felt ready to put something on me that wouldn't go away until I get a new body in heaven. It was the right time. This tattoo is a seal on my arm, a mark of who I belong to and who I want to serve. My friend made me sit, think, and pray for a few hours before he would start, even after I told him how I felt about it and after we discussed the design more in-depth. That was a very good night.

Anyway, I never told my family about it because I felt really awkward. We're a mid-Michigan farming family, very down-to-earth and normal, and by the standards that are generally obeyed in it, I thought I might get scolded, or even shunned a little. So I hid it...until today.

When I left my house and realised I didn't have sleeves to cover it, I immediately turned around and sat in my driveway. "My mom isn't ready to know I have a tattoo yet," I thought. After a little more thought, though, I came to the conclusion that it was really me who wasn't ready to come clean with something that I was embarrassed to tell my family about. As I considered it, I remembered why I got it in the first place, as a mark for Christ, and I came to the conclusion that if I'm ashamed of something that I chose to do for Christ, then I might as well admit to being ashamed of Him as well.

At that point, I decided I was ready.

Of course, as most of you could probably guess, it wasn't even that big of a deal. My mom was surprised, even laughing and thinking it wasn't real at first, but I think she's okay with it now that she knows I put a lot of thought into it, and that my reasons were good. "Better than other things you could be doing, I suppose," was her response. True statement.

I've been caring a lot less about people's opinions of me lately (those who really know me already know how little I cared in the first place, haha), and this was one big step in that direction. I don't mean this in any bad way, but more in the way of trying to please people less and trying more to please God with my life. My family has always been hard for me to deal with in this way, not because they're mean or judging...I was just afraid they would see me as something other than "a good little boy who doesn't do anything out of the ordinary." That's generally the image I've always had in my family (or at least I thought so), but I decided that I don't need to be afraid of letting it go.

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both sould and body in hell." ~Jesus Christ, Matt. 10

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." ~Paul, Gal. 1

We are to fear God, not man...and especially not man's opinions.

Peace.