Sunday, February 23, 2014

Camp again!

So, as most of you have likely heard, I am now working for a YMCA camp south of Grand Rapids on the weekends. I cannot explain how relieved I am to be working at a camp again. The thought of getting a summer job there...I have missed the camp atmosphere so much. It is very much like visiting my home town after years of absence.

As I said, I am only working weekends there right now, but in a few weeks I will be interviewing for a summer Nature Specialist position for which my boss is currently interviewing people. I need to bring three outlines (for three different age groups) for a day's curriculum I would use in their nature center. I am very excited for this opportunity because in interviewing for other jobs, I have never had to really prove I am qualified for a position. It is a personal challenge, and one I am very excited about.

Also coming up in a few weeks, one of my best friends, Andrew, and I should be moving into our own apartment in Grand Rapids. This is also a personal challenge for me, for although I have been living on my own for some time now, this will be the first time I will live in a place where I do not know the landlord/homeowner, and will be the most binding lease I have signed up to this point. It is also very exciting for me because Andrew actually wants to move out West with me, and so I will be living with someone who has a common goal instead of with people who want me to stick around Michigan. This will help motivate both of us to action.

I have been reading a lot lately, which has made me feel much better than normal. I put up my Thoreau book for a while and read "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," which was phenomenal. Several books I read this fall referenced this one by way of stating it had a profound impact on this person or that author, so when I saw it in a bookstore I decided it would be worth my time and money. This was absolutely true. It is both a modern philosophy book and a story based on true events. The author, Robert Pirsig, is a very skilled author and philosopher in my opinion. The book had a lot of great thoughts on art, living intentionally, and living with quality in mind. It is rather hard for me to explain (literary analysis was never one of my strong points), but I would highly recommend it if you want to really think while you're reading and are open to reading some very interesting philosophy.

Now I am back to my Thoreau book, which is also full of its own philosophy.

Peace.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Internal thoughts

So, living in Grand Rapids has been very good for me thus far. I have a job, I live in a house full of friends, I reside in the city I have wanted to live in for about four years, and I am keeping up with the friendships which matter most to me. One could say I have the makings of a very fulfilled life, and they would not be wrong in saying it.

During my time here, I have had some good realisations about myself. First, one which has been a gradual realisation over the past several years, is that I have a very restless spirit. It is difficult for me to stay living in one place and working one job for a long time. I love change, new scenery, and traveling. The desire to just leave without a real destination is very strong in me. Winter exacerbates these qualities. "Cabin fever" has almost driven me to make very unwise decisions on multiple occasions. A friend recently said I seem less happy lately, and I would blame this as the root cause.

Second, although I have a wanderer's spirit, I also have a strong sense of responsibility which, more often than any other single factor, is the one thing which keeps me from following through on some of my crazier ideas. It is this sense of responsibility/loyalty which keeps me from immediately moving across the country. I do not want to go back on plans I have made with others. Although I do this with regularity, some things seem more important to me than others. If I tell you I want you to travel across the country with me, rest assured I mean it. If I leave without giving you a chance to come with me...that is something I cannot allow myself to do. Keeping my word is important to me; in light of this, I do not give it often. Business must be resolved before the wandering can commence.

Third, I have realised how incredibly internalised my thoughts and feelings are, and how easy it is for me to slip into my own mind and shut out the outside world. My own views on all kinds of matters are so personal to me, and my own confusion on issues which many consider "black-and-white" is so great, the vast majority of people only think they know my opinion. I fear what people think of me, so when I find myself in disagreement with someone, I often respond in ways which avoid the conflict instead of facing it. This is especially true regarding theological issues. Oops.

My mind is, in effect, my log cabin in the mountains. This is where my dearest dreams grow and flourish, where I can go to be at peace from others. It can be very lonely at times, but I have not yet found someone to whom I feel completely safe giving a key. Not to say I have no friends who I allow in at times (some are regular guests, in fact); I simply have not yet found a person with whom I can truly share this space with.

Perhaps this describes all of us. We all are the kings and queens of our own castles, keeping out the riff-raff and allowing only those closest to us in for any amount of time. The mind is a beautiful place. Dreams and imaginations bigger than the universe are found there, creativity with no limits. Our innermost being is also found here: the person we really are, or at least perceive we really are; the person we want others to know, and yet the person we are afraid to reveal at the same time. Being open means being vulnerable.

The thought has often crossed my mind to begin speaking completely open, being forward and blunt with my thoughts and emotions. Not to the point of hurting someone with my words, of course, but also not allowing fear to dictate my communications. Telling someone "I think you are beautiful" without fear, giving a stranger a hug because it looks like they need one, stopping on the side of the road to see if they need help...the sort of chivalrous things we all say we believe are good and right, but which few of us actually do with any regularity.

I have been reading "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," and it has been very insightful so far. It is likely the reason I have been thinking about all these things. I highly recommend it to everyone.

Peace.