So, living in Grand Rapids has been very good for me thus far. I have a job, I live in a house full of friends, I reside in the city I have wanted to live in for about four years, and I am keeping up with the friendships which matter most to me. One could say I have the makings of a very fulfilled life, and they would not be wrong in saying it.
During my time here, I have had some good realisations about myself. First, one which has been a gradual realisation over the past several years, is that I have a very restless spirit. It is difficult for me to stay living in one place and working one job for a long time. I love change, new scenery, and traveling. The desire to just leave without a real destination is very strong in me. Winter exacerbates these qualities. "Cabin fever" has almost driven me to make very unwise decisions on multiple occasions. A friend recently said I seem less happy lately, and I would blame this as the root cause.
Second, although I have a wanderer's spirit, I also have a strong sense of responsibility which, more often than any other single factor, is the one thing which keeps me from following through on some of my crazier ideas. It is this sense of responsibility/loyalty which keeps me from immediately moving across the country. I do not want to go back on plans I have made with others. Although I do this with regularity, some things seem more important to me than others. If I tell you I want you to travel across the country with me, rest assured I mean it. If I leave without giving you a chance to come with me...that is something I cannot allow myself to do. Keeping my word is important to me; in light of this, I do not give it often. Business must be resolved before the wandering can commence.
Third, I have realised how incredibly internalised my thoughts and feelings are, and how easy it is for me to slip into my own mind and shut out the outside world. My own views on all kinds of matters are so personal to me, and my own confusion on issues which many consider "black-and-white" is so great, the vast majority of people only think they know my opinion. I fear what people think of me, so when I find myself in disagreement with someone, I often respond in ways which avoid the conflict instead of facing it. This is especially true regarding theological issues. Oops.
My mind is, in effect, my log cabin in the mountains. This is where my dearest dreams grow and flourish, where I can go to be at peace from others. It can be very lonely at times, but I have not yet found someone to whom I feel completely safe giving a key. Not to say I have no friends who I allow in at times (some are regular guests, in fact); I simply have not yet found a person with whom I can truly share this space with.
Perhaps this describes all of us. We all are the kings and queens of our own castles, keeping out the riff-raff and allowing only those closest to us in for any amount of time. The mind is a beautiful place. Dreams and imaginations bigger than the universe are found there, creativity with no limits. Our innermost being is also found here: the person we really are, or at least perceive we really are; the person we want others to know, and yet the person we are afraid to reveal at the same time. Being open means being vulnerable.
The thought has often crossed my mind to begin speaking completely open, being forward and blunt with my thoughts and emotions. Not to the point of hurting someone with my words, of course, but also not allowing fear to dictate my communications. Telling someone "I think you are beautiful" without fear, giving a stranger a hug because it looks like they need one, stopping on the side of the road to see if they need help...the sort of chivalrous things we all say we believe are good and right, but which few of us actually do with any regularity.
I have been reading "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," and it has been very insightful so far. It is likely the reason I have been thinking about all these things. I highly recommend it to everyone.
Peace.
Showing posts with label mountain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mountain. Show all posts
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Sunday, December 1, 2013
The Rapture of the Forest
*This is an extended journal entry from my time in Idaho. I journaled nearly every single day. This entry was written after a walk along the road behind the farm.*
There is a single tree on the farm which is changing colours. Bright, flaming orange, and kind of scrawny.
Sometimes I pretend the clouds are mountains.
Sometimes I imagine the world is moving below the clouds instead of them above the earth. Walking becomes a totally different experience.
As I walked down the road, I realised the raven I heard behind me was catching up. I turn around to look for it, and its calls somehow passed me by, as if made by a phantom bird. Looking up, I see the black phantom high above me, higher than I thought ravens were ever interested in flying. It floated in tight circles on thermals, quickly moving on toward the wilderness.
After finding a cold stream and a trail leading up into the mountains, I turned back. On the road, something happened. I stopped to listen to the rocks. When I did, the forest and rocks sang out for just a moment. The song was deafened in short order by one of the weightiest silences I have ever experienced.
That silence. It almost felt as if some primeval behemoth had me locked in its gaze. I couldn't move.
The Ancient approaches in the silence of the wilderness. You cannot escape. You cannot move. You can only know the Weight of the Presence.
Primeval is the best word. A great power, unknowable, older than the world. No evil intention, yet fear grips you.
A great Deep. Everything stills itself for what seems like an eternity, except the wind. The wind brings this Presence. To and fro it roams. We may not meet again for some time. You cannot search for and find the Presence; you can, however, go out to meet it. Where you meet it is not up to you.
Minutes passed, unmoving. I could have stood there for hours.
The burden grows. You realise it is real. Then it begins to fade, moving on past you. Something breaks you trance, and you realise the Presence is already gone. The dream has passed, and you have woken up. Perhaps, though, this is now the dream, and you had let reality take hold of you for just a moment; now it is gone, and you slumber peacefully, waiting for the wake-up call and that great Dread to find you once again.
Peace.
There is a single tree on the farm which is changing colours. Bright, flaming orange, and kind of scrawny.
Sometimes I pretend the clouds are mountains.
Sometimes I imagine the world is moving below the clouds instead of them above the earth. Walking becomes a totally different experience.
As I walked down the road, I realised the raven I heard behind me was catching up. I turn around to look for it, and its calls somehow passed me by, as if made by a phantom bird. Looking up, I see the black phantom high above me, higher than I thought ravens were ever interested in flying. It floated in tight circles on thermals, quickly moving on toward the wilderness.
After finding a cold stream and a trail leading up into the mountains, I turned back. On the road, something happened. I stopped to listen to the rocks. When I did, the forest and rocks sang out for just a moment. The song was deafened in short order by one of the weightiest silences I have ever experienced.
That silence. It almost felt as if some primeval behemoth had me locked in its gaze. I couldn't move.
The Ancient approaches in the silence of the wilderness. You cannot escape. You cannot move. You can only know the Weight of the Presence.
Primeval is the best word. A great power, unknowable, older than the world. No evil intention, yet fear grips you.
A great Deep. Everything stills itself for what seems like an eternity, except the wind. The wind brings this Presence. To and fro it roams. We may not meet again for some time. You cannot search for and find the Presence; you can, however, go out to meet it. Where you meet it is not up to you.
Minutes passed, unmoving. I could have stood there for hours.
The burden grows. You realise it is real. Then it begins to fade, moving on past you. Something breaks you trance, and you realise the Presence is already gone. The dream has passed, and you have woken up. Perhaps, though, this is now the dream, and you had let reality take hold of you for just a moment; now it is gone, and you slumber peacefully, waiting for the wake-up call and that great Dread to find you once again.
Peace.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Westward 2013, pre-launch
So, here we are again. The third summer's-end in a row I'm making a trip west. This trip is much different, though. Instead of a vacation, it is a work trip, a seasonal volunteer opportunity, a long road trip, a new temporary home, a chance to unplug myself from most technology and the rest of the world for a season.
The true reality of going to Idaho, however, is it will be a spiritual journey.
I am leaving behind the world I know: my job, my family, my state, my dear friends, my perspectives, most of my belongings, and maybe even a bit of my self. A different life awaits me on the opposite end of this journey. I do not know what it will look like, or if it will "look" different at all.
I will not be the same, though.
A friend told me this would be the case, but also explained how my old ways and thoughts will not be easily shaken off. Change, although encouraged by a new location and lifestyle, still does not come easy. It comes with a price.
I hope to spend a lot of time reading, writing (something I have not done much of before), making music, and experiencing God's beauty in the mountains. The same previously mentioned friend also told me to make intentional goals for my time there in order to get the most out of it and facilitate the change I desire. These goals are probably going to be related to the activities I just mentioned.
This weekend was a very emotional one for me. I hosted a send-off party at my house, and over thirty of my friends came to say goodbye. I received many kind words, and some meaningful gifts...the greatest of these was love. After almost everyone had gone, I realised how much I love my friends, and how much they love me. They truly are my family; not to diminish how much I value my family, but rather to say how much I value my friends. We treat each other as family.
Last night I took one final trip to Grand Rapids to support a friend who was performing a stand-up routine, and to see my best friend Korey. I don't often use specific names on this blog, purposefully so, but it is appropriate to mention him. We could not spend much time together, but it meant so much for us to see each other before I left. He also gave me some very meaningful gifts and words.
One friend commented on how we said goodbye as if we would never see each other again.
It is better to love fully, without holding back, than to keep it inside. Fear of rejection stifles the human desire to be vulnerable with each other.
A famous quote from C.S. Lewis:
On a different note, I am moving out of Lansing today. Tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday I will be traveling around southeast Michigan: cutting bank ties and seeing a few more friends before I go. Friday and Saturday I will be spending some final time in northern Michigan, and Sunday will be a farewell cookout at my church and one last board game with some friends from Lansing.
Labor Day, Monday, September 2, we leave for Idaho.
I know many of you will want to know what is going on while I am there. I will likely not be blogging or using Facebook during my time on the farm, and I have no idea if I will be able to call people using my cell phone. When possible, I would like to send group e-mail updates to those who will read them. If you want, send me an e-mail soon so I can have a list of addresses ready before I leave. No promises on the frequency of these e-mails, but I will try my hardest to keep you informed.
butlerc777@gmail.com
Your prayers are appreciated. Thank you.
Peace.
The true reality of going to Idaho, however, is it will be a spiritual journey.
I am leaving behind the world I know: my job, my family, my state, my dear friends, my perspectives, most of my belongings, and maybe even a bit of my self. A different life awaits me on the opposite end of this journey. I do not know what it will look like, or if it will "look" different at all.
I will not be the same, though.
A friend told me this would be the case, but also explained how my old ways and thoughts will not be easily shaken off. Change, although encouraged by a new location and lifestyle, still does not come easy. It comes with a price.
I hope to spend a lot of time reading, writing (something I have not done much of before), making music, and experiencing God's beauty in the mountains. The same previously mentioned friend also told me to make intentional goals for my time there in order to get the most out of it and facilitate the change I desire. These goals are probably going to be related to the activities I just mentioned.
This weekend was a very emotional one for me. I hosted a send-off party at my house, and over thirty of my friends came to say goodbye. I received many kind words, and some meaningful gifts...the greatest of these was love. After almost everyone had gone, I realised how much I love my friends, and how much they love me. They truly are my family; not to diminish how much I value my family, but rather to say how much I value my friends. We treat each other as family.
Last night I took one final trip to Grand Rapids to support a friend who was performing a stand-up routine, and to see my best friend Korey. I don't often use specific names on this blog, purposefully so, but it is appropriate to mention him. We could not spend much time together, but it meant so much for us to see each other before I left. He also gave me some very meaningful gifts and words.
One friend commented on how we said goodbye as if we would never see each other again.
It is better to love fully, without holding back, than to keep it inside. Fear of rejection stifles the human desire to be vulnerable with each other.
A famous quote from C.S. Lewis:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
God is slowly showing me what love without fear looks like. Perhaps this is what will be different about me when I return to Michigan once more (I was tempted to write "for the final time" instead of "once more"...a good friend once told me I am very dramatic, but it is a good thing because God made my personality this way, haha. Perhaps "final time" is too dramatic, but who knows?).On a different note, I am moving out of Lansing today. Tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday I will be traveling around southeast Michigan: cutting bank ties and seeing a few more friends before I go. Friday and Saturday I will be spending some final time in northern Michigan, and Sunday will be a farewell cookout at my church and one last board game with some friends from Lansing.
Labor Day, Monday, September 2, we leave for Idaho.
I know many of you will want to know what is going on while I am there. I will likely not be blogging or using Facebook during my time on the farm, and I have no idea if I will be able to call people using my cell phone. When possible, I would like to send group e-mail updates to those who will read them. If you want, send me an e-mail soon so I can have a list of addresses ready before I leave. No promises on the frequency of these e-mails, but I will try my hardest to keep you informed.
butlerc777@gmail.com
Your prayers are appreciated. Thank you.
Peace.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Westward 2012, Pike National Forest
So, this weekend was a fantastic introduction to the Colorado Rockies for me. My friend Andrew drove me around in his Jeep on Saturday and showed me Pike National Forest (or at least parts of it, since apparently it's enormous). The clouds were pretty crazy at times, as you can see in the first picture.
On Sunday, Andrew called up another friend of his and we all went for a day hike in the forest. There had been some drizzle/sleet the night before, and everything was still thawing out when we got there.
Today I spent the morning in classes at Charis Bible College with my friends here. Interesting how different the doctrine is here compared to what SAU teaches. God taught me some valuable lessons today; I'll probably share some about that later.
This afternoon, my friend Dena and I hiked to a place called Pulpit Rock overlooking Colorado Springs. It was a great way to begin the week.
Peace.
On Sunday, Andrew called up another friend of his and we all went for a day hike in the forest. There had been some drizzle/sleet the night before, and everything was still thawing out when we got there.
Today I spent the morning in classes at Charis Bible College with my friends here. Interesting how different the doctrine is here compared to what SAU teaches. God taught me some valuable lessons today; I'll probably share some about that later.
This afternoon, my friend Dena and I hiked to a place called Pulpit Rock overlooking Colorado Springs. It was a great way to begin the week.
Peace.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Westward 2012, Garden of the Gods
So, I've hardly been in Colorado Springs for three days, and my mind has been blown. So many things have happened since arriving here two nights ago. I'm having a hard time finding words, really. I love this place, and I love the people I've met here.
This morning I hiked to a place called Garden of the Gods, then met one of my new friends, Andrew, in the afternoon to go bouldering in the park. Here are some pictures:
Besides being in a beautiful area, God has also been doing some serious work on me since I've been here, so thanks for your prayers. Yesterday I'm pretty sure I became Pentecostal. Much of the Christian community here is very charismatic and put full stock in the spiritual gifts. I've been wondering about those sort of things for some time now, but have had almost no chance to find out more in Lansing. Most of the people I've met here are students at Charis Bible College, which I think is a Pentecostal school. They talk about spiritual gifts and receiving the Holy Spirit like it's totally normal for Christians...so I thought this was a great opportunity to finally take a step of faith in that direction. I know I've received the Holy Spirit now (preparing myself for the flak from people back home for saying that...), and I've learned a lot more about the spiritual gifts even in this short time.
Also, I've noticed a vast difference in the Christian community here. People's speech is obviously dominated by Christ, and it doesn't feel awkward to bring up God in almost any conversation. Sadly, this is different from what I've experienced elsewhere. I just met more new friends today in a purely divine appointment, and we were all encouraged by each other so much it was ridiculous.
All of this makes me a little concerned about going back home. As far as what I've learned here, I know it's Scriptural because I've seen it before arriving in Colorado...I just needed to see it confirmed. The problem is that I won't really be able to learn more back home in my Christian community. I'll have to start listening to online sermons from the head guy at the college here, Andrew Wommack. I'm pretty concerned about what some people will say if they hear about me joining up with the Pentecostals since it's so different from Baptist practice, but I know God has my back. My faith has been seriously strengthened since coming here, and I know God won't let me be ashamed because of it.
I need to do a lot of praying and seeking God's will, but I'm almost certain that I'm going to move here soon, whatever "soon" means. Turns out the Andrew I went bouldering with today has almost the same passions and vision for ministry as I do. So much has been confirmed to me already on this trip...I can't wait to see what the rest of it brings.
Peace.
This morning I hiked to a place called Garden of the Gods, then met one of my new friends, Andrew, in the afternoon to go bouldering in the park. Here are some pictures:
Besides being in a beautiful area, God has also been doing some serious work on me since I've been here, so thanks for your prayers. Yesterday I'm pretty sure I became Pentecostal. Much of the Christian community here is very charismatic and put full stock in the spiritual gifts. I've been wondering about those sort of things for some time now, but have had almost no chance to find out more in Lansing. Most of the people I've met here are students at Charis Bible College, which I think is a Pentecostal school. They talk about spiritual gifts and receiving the Holy Spirit like it's totally normal for Christians...so I thought this was a great opportunity to finally take a step of faith in that direction. I know I've received the Holy Spirit now (preparing myself for the flak from people back home for saying that...), and I've learned a lot more about the spiritual gifts even in this short time.
Also, I've noticed a vast difference in the Christian community here. People's speech is obviously dominated by Christ, and it doesn't feel awkward to bring up God in almost any conversation. Sadly, this is different from what I've experienced elsewhere. I just met more new friends today in a purely divine appointment, and we were all encouraged by each other so much it was ridiculous.
All of this makes me a little concerned about going back home. As far as what I've learned here, I know it's Scriptural because I've seen it before arriving in Colorado...I just needed to see it confirmed. The problem is that I won't really be able to learn more back home in my Christian community. I'll have to start listening to online sermons from the head guy at the college here, Andrew Wommack. I'm pretty concerned about what some people will say if they hear about me joining up with the Pentecostals since it's so different from Baptist practice, but I know God has my back. My faith has been seriously strengthened since coming here, and I know God won't let me be ashamed because of it.
I need to do a lot of praying and seeking God's will, but I'm almost certain that I'm going to move here soon, whatever "soon" means. Turns out the Andrew I went bouldering with today has almost the same passions and vision for ministry as I do. So much has been confirmed to me already on this trip...I can't wait to see what the rest of it brings.
Peace.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Westward 2012, pre-launch
So, following somewhat in the footsteps of my trip West one year ago, tomorrow I'm embarking on my second trip to the Rockies...this time, by myself. I'm taking a bus to Colorado Springs to hang out with some friends I have there and to see if it's a place where I could eventually live. I'll be gone until October 11. Just like last year, I will try to post regularly on here and have pictures of the places I visit.
I'm excited to see what God has planned for this trip. Great things usually happen when I get out of my own comfort zone, and this is pretty far out there. Don't get me wrong, it's something I definitely want to be doing, but this is the biggest trip I've ever done by myself. I've been needing a shake-up to my routine, though. This trip will be really good for me in that way.
One big issue I'm facing with all this is getting someone to lead worship at my church this Sunday while I'm away. So far I've been entirely unsuccessful at finding a replacement, and now I'm leaving Lansing without having this problem resolved. It doesn't feel good, but I'm trying to trust that God has it under control.
Another issue is my job situation after I get back. One of my friends from church is giving me a referral to his factory when I get back, and it would be exactly the kind of work I need right now. I would appreciate your prayers for this and for the other things I've already mentioned.
Peace.
I'm excited to see what God has planned for this trip. Great things usually happen when I get out of my own comfort zone, and this is pretty far out there. Don't get me wrong, it's something I definitely want to be doing, but this is the biggest trip I've ever done by myself. I've been needing a shake-up to my routine, though. This trip will be really good for me in that way.
One big issue I'm facing with all this is getting someone to lead worship at my church this Sunday while I'm away. So far I've been entirely unsuccessful at finding a replacement, and now I'm leaving Lansing without having this problem resolved. It doesn't feel good, but I'm trying to trust that God has it under control.
Another issue is my job situation after I get back. One of my friends from church is giving me a referral to his factory when I get back, and it would be exactly the kind of work I need right now. I would appreciate your prayers for this and for the other things I've already mentioned.
Peace.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Adventure...soon
So, this has been a very big week for me. I got my paycheck today and bought a round-trip bus ticket to Colorado Springs. One of my good friends successfully convinced me to visit this fall, and I'll be hanging out for a little over a week at the beginning of October.
I've always known I would live out West someday, and this trip might show me that Colorado Springs is a place I can go. There's people who are excited to meet me and already want me to live there...people I haven't even met or spoken to yet. That's crazy.
I can't wait to walk in the sage again...see the mountains...
In the meantime, my park ranger job is ending two weeks sooner than it was originally going to. Those two weeks between my last workday and going to Colorado are going to be interesting. I'm going to try to get a job at a security company one of my friends works for which he says is always hiring...but I won't be able to even get that until after I get back. So, my new roommate is going to show me how to shop for cheaper groceries so I can really save money. I don't really know how to shop efficiently (or find good coupons) or how to make much food, so this is going to be really helpful.
Eh. Jobs.
Speaking of new roommate, by the way: we're going to try to start a prayer group here in Lansing at the house, one where we're not just doing some religious ritual and going through all the same motions. We want to actually seek and know God. We've been having some great discussions over the past week since he moved in, and I'm super pumped. Lansing needs some people who are excited about following Jesus, and he came at the right time.
Anyway, people are waiting for me to finish this, so my thoughts are kind of cluttered. I guess I'll just be done.
Also, I have been labeled an "idea guy" because of by excessive use of the phrase, "You know what would be cool? If......"
Ha.
Peace.
I've always known I would live out West someday, and this trip might show me that Colorado Springs is a place I can go. There's people who are excited to meet me and already want me to live there...people I haven't even met or spoken to yet. That's crazy.
I can't wait to walk in the sage again...see the mountains...
In the meantime, my park ranger job is ending two weeks sooner than it was originally going to. Those two weeks between my last workday and going to Colorado are going to be interesting. I'm going to try to get a job at a security company one of my friends works for which he says is always hiring...but I won't be able to even get that until after I get back. So, my new roommate is going to show me how to shop for cheaper groceries so I can really save money. I don't really know how to shop efficiently (or find good coupons) or how to make much food, so this is going to be really helpful.
Eh. Jobs.
Speaking of new roommate, by the way: we're going to try to start a prayer group here in Lansing at the house, one where we're not just doing some religious ritual and going through all the same motions. We want to actually seek and know God. We've been having some great discussions over the past week since he moved in, and I'm super pumped. Lansing needs some people who are excited about following Jesus, and he came at the right time.
Anyway, people are waiting for me to finish this, so my thoughts are kind of cluttered. I guess I'll just be done.
Also, I have been labeled an "idea guy" because of by excessive use of the phrase, "You know what would be cool? If......"
Ha.
Peace.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Westward 2011, Day 8
So, it looks like the westward travels are officially subsiding. Things are no less awesome than they were yesterday, however. We took an aerial tram ride up a mountain today. I stood on the summit at 10,450 feet above sea level. Awesome. We had breakfast on top of the mountain, too. My mom had a waffle with brown sugar and butter...mine was with Nutella. Delicious. We walked down the summit a little way on a short trail, which was actually fairly tiring. I could really tell the air was thin; just walking the half-mile loop was pretty difficult. There were several groups of people with huge packs headed out on some of the trails which went through the mountains. I pitied and envied them at the same time. A bunch of people were also going on tandem paraglides down the mountain, which was freaking sweet. I would love to do that someday.
Standing on the summit, looking out over the valley, wind in my face and storms rolling through the mountains around us. Best experience on this trip yet.
After we came back down the tram, we headed to the Laurance S. Rockefeller Preserve. The preserve had some nice trails which we checked out, and it was very beautiful and peaceful.
Now we're back in our Motel 6 in Jackson. At 6am tomorrow, we're getting picked up for a guided wildlife tour around Jackson Hole. Apparently, we're the only two people who signed up for it, which should make it more interesting and personal. The tour is run by the Teton Science School, an institution here in Jackson Hole. It looks like a pretty awesome school from what I saw on their website.
After the tour, we're heading out and back toward home. Now we're thinking just getting back in a reasonable amount of time before Labor Day, so we're just going south to I-80 and heading across Nebraska, Iowa, and Illinois to Michigan. Yes, corn. Oh well. Everything we've done so far has made a trip through the universe's cornfield worth it.
Peace.
Standing on the summit, looking out over the valley, wind in my face and storms rolling through the mountains around us. Best experience on this trip yet.
After we came back down the tram, we headed to the Laurance S. Rockefeller Preserve. The preserve had some nice trails which we checked out, and it was very beautiful and peaceful.
Now we're back in our Motel 6 in Jackson. At 6am tomorrow, we're getting picked up for a guided wildlife tour around Jackson Hole. Apparently, we're the only two people who signed up for it, which should make it more interesting and personal. The tour is run by the Teton Science School, an institution here in Jackson Hole. It looks like a pretty awesome school from what I saw on their website.
After the tour, we're heading out and back toward home. Now we're thinking just getting back in a reasonable amount of time before Labor Day, so we're just going south to I-80 and heading across Nebraska, Iowa, and Illinois to Michigan. Yes, corn. Oh well. Everything we've done so far has made a trip through the universe's cornfield worth it.
Peace.
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