Internal thoughts

So, living in Grand Rapids has been very good for me thus far. I have a job, I live in a house full of friends, I reside in the city I have wanted to live in for about four years, and I am keeping up with the friendships which matter most to me. One could say I have the makings of a very fulfilled life, and they would not be wrong in saying it.

During my time here, I have had some good realisations about myself. First, one which has been a gradual realisation over the past several years, is that I have a very restless spirit. It is difficult for me to stay living in one place and working one job for a long time. I love change, new scenery, and traveling. The desire to just leave without a real destination is very strong in me. Winter exacerbates these qualities. "Cabin fever" has almost driven me to make very unwise decisions on multiple occasions. A friend recently said I seem less happy lately, and I would blame this as the root cause.

Second, although I have a wanderer's spirit, I also have a strong sense of responsibility which, more often than any other single factor, is the one thing which keeps me from following through on some of my crazier ideas. It is this sense of responsibility/loyalty which keeps me from immediately moving across the country. I do not want to go back on plans I have made with others. Although I do this with regularity, some things seem more important to me than others. If I tell you I want you to travel across the country with me, rest assured I mean it. If I leave without giving you a chance to come with me...that is something I cannot allow myself to do. Keeping my word is important to me; in light of this, I do not give it often. Business must be resolved before the wandering can commence.

Third, I have realised how incredibly internalised my thoughts and feelings are, and how easy it is for me to slip into my own mind and shut out the outside world. My own views on all kinds of matters are so personal to me, and my own confusion on issues which many consider "black-and-white" is so great, the vast majority of people only think they know my opinion. I fear what people think of me, so when I find myself in disagreement with someone, I often respond in ways which avoid the conflict instead of facing it. This is especially true regarding theological issues. Oops.

My mind is, in effect, my log cabin in the mountains. This is where my dearest dreams grow and flourish, where I can go to be at peace from others. It can be very lonely at times, but I have not yet found someone to whom I feel completely safe giving a key. Not to say I have no friends who I allow in at times (some are regular guests, in fact); I simply have not yet found a person with whom I can truly share this space with.

Perhaps this describes all of us. We all are the kings and queens of our own castles, keeping out the riff-raff and allowing only those closest to us in for any amount of time. The mind is a beautiful place. Dreams and imaginations bigger than the universe are found there, creativity with no limits. Our innermost being is also found here: the person we really are, or at least perceive we really are; the person we want others to know, and yet the person we are afraid to reveal at the same time. Being open means being vulnerable.

The thought has often crossed my mind to begin speaking completely open, being forward and blunt with my thoughts and emotions. Not to the point of hurting someone with my words, of course, but also not allowing fear to dictate my communications. Telling someone "I think you are beautiful" without fear, giving a stranger a hug because it looks like they need one, stopping on the side of the road to see if they need help...the sort of chivalrous things we all say we believe are good and right, but which few of us actually do with any regularity.

I have been reading "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," and it has been very insightful so far. It is likely the reason I have been thinking about all these things. I highly recommend it to everyone.

Peace.