So, a lot of jumbled thoughts have been racing through my mind lately, and although I have wanted to blog several times, there just has not been good enough material until tonight.
I realised some time ago that I have a very hard time staying in one place and in one job. Five years of living on a three-month schedule between college, camp, and home sort of conditioned me to be used to that sort of thing...not to mention my insatiable wanderlust. Keeping a steady job is something I esteem in my mind, but after a few months I start getting anxious. I suppose the grass always looks greener elsewhere to me as well. The same is happening at my current job working for a moving company. It is certainly not a bad job. Some days I get anxious about who I will have to work with, but the pay is good and the work is enjoyable for the most part. I am not getting enough hours right now, but I know the summer moving season is closing in, and I could apply for a driver position and immediately start making more money.
So, why look for a new job? I suppose I don't have a good enough reason.
Right now, I think this is a test of my endurance. I could make more money working at a camp all summer (which I am currently doing on the weekends), but a regular summer job would necessarily end eventually, and I would be out of work again. Not a healthy cycle to continue in the long run. Buckling down and saving money should take prime importance to me right now.
A long-time friend of mine is visiting Grand Rapids from Rapid City, South Dakota, and we got a chance to catch up this evening. Hearing about my job situation, he informed me that oilfield workers in North Dakota can make upwards of $40,000 per year in entry-level jobs, and that the job market in the Dakotas in general is MUCH better than here in Michigan. This not only raised my hopes for finding better work out West next summer, but also piqued my interest toward the oilfield jobs. I have certainly considered similar jobs because of the pay, but I had not given it any serious thought. Now, however, I may actually go join one of these operations once my year lease is up in 2015.
This presents another self-imposed quandary. I am always laying obligations on myself: ministry obligations, job obligations (jobligations?), friend obligations...you name it. I try to make plans very far in advance and then keep myself to them. This is not always a negative thing. A man of his word is very hard to find nowadays. The issue comes when I regret the obligations I have unnecessarily forced on myself.
Example: I very much want to move to Durango, Colorado Springs, or Santa Fe in summer 2015. When I first considered working the oilfields, I immediately thought, "Oh, but then I would be going back on what I said to this person, and that one, and...." Wait a minute. I am about to sign a year lease in Grand Rapids, sure, but I have made no agreements past that point. None. I am a free agent once that year is up, and I really should take advantage of it.
The plan is to move out West. Beyond that, I will stay speculating, and avoid making any promises.
I think I'll post more journal entries from Idaho next.
Peace.
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Happiness
So, as explained extensively in my last post, I feel bit different since returning from Idaho. One of ways this has been manifesting is in my general attitude on life. I may not sound much different to some, but inside I feel much more content with life. Life just seems better, more do-able. Maybe it is a result of all the other things which I realised while I was out West, or maybe it is a separate product of the trip, but I just plain feel better. Things which used to bother me a lot have much less of an effect on me. I also used to be very self-conscious, often thinking I was a bother to others or I had to be funny or useful to prove myself to those around me. My time in Idaho turned out to be a big self-esteem booster. Now, I understand more of my value as a person and son of God.
To be honest, I cannot recall when I have been so optimistic about life. Perhaps this is a result of dealing with a suicide while I was in Idaho; perhaps it was making the decision to move there and following through with it; perhaps it stems from all the reading I have been doing; perhaps it is through becoming reconnected to my lifelong dreams. Whatever the cause, I feel much more capable to succeed in life, and the little things which normally get in the way are unable to bring me down.
Thank You, God, for whatever You have done in me.
Peace.
To be honest, I cannot recall when I have been so optimistic about life. Perhaps this is a result of dealing with a suicide while I was in Idaho; perhaps it was making the decision to move there and following through with it; perhaps it stems from all the reading I have been doing; perhaps it is through becoming reconnected to my lifelong dreams. Whatever the cause, I feel much more capable to succeed in life, and the little things which normally get in the way are unable to bring me down.
Thank You, God, for whatever You have done in me.
Peace.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Westward 2013, pre-launch
So, here we are again. The third summer's-end in a row I'm making a trip west. This trip is much different, though. Instead of a vacation, it is a work trip, a seasonal volunteer opportunity, a long road trip, a new temporary home, a chance to unplug myself from most technology and the rest of the world for a season.
The true reality of going to Idaho, however, is it will be a spiritual journey.
I am leaving behind the world I know: my job, my family, my state, my dear friends, my perspectives, most of my belongings, and maybe even a bit of my self. A different life awaits me on the opposite end of this journey. I do not know what it will look like, or if it will "look" different at all.
I will not be the same, though.
A friend told me this would be the case, but also explained how my old ways and thoughts will not be easily shaken off. Change, although encouraged by a new location and lifestyle, still does not come easy. It comes with a price.
I hope to spend a lot of time reading, writing (something I have not done much of before), making music, and experiencing God's beauty in the mountains. The same previously mentioned friend also told me to make intentional goals for my time there in order to get the most out of it and facilitate the change I desire. These goals are probably going to be related to the activities I just mentioned.
This weekend was a very emotional one for me. I hosted a send-off party at my house, and over thirty of my friends came to say goodbye. I received many kind words, and some meaningful gifts...the greatest of these was love. After almost everyone had gone, I realised how much I love my friends, and how much they love me. They truly are my family; not to diminish how much I value my family, but rather to say how much I value my friends. We treat each other as family.
Last night I took one final trip to Grand Rapids to support a friend who was performing a stand-up routine, and to see my best friend Korey. I don't often use specific names on this blog, purposefully so, but it is appropriate to mention him. We could not spend much time together, but it meant so much for us to see each other before I left. He also gave me some very meaningful gifts and words.
One friend commented on how we said goodbye as if we would never see each other again.
It is better to love fully, without holding back, than to keep it inside. Fear of rejection stifles the human desire to be vulnerable with each other.
A famous quote from C.S. Lewis:
On a different note, I am moving out of Lansing today. Tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday I will be traveling around southeast Michigan: cutting bank ties and seeing a few more friends before I go. Friday and Saturday I will be spending some final time in northern Michigan, and Sunday will be a farewell cookout at my church and one last board game with some friends from Lansing.
Labor Day, Monday, September 2, we leave for Idaho.
I know many of you will want to know what is going on while I am there. I will likely not be blogging or using Facebook during my time on the farm, and I have no idea if I will be able to call people using my cell phone. When possible, I would like to send group e-mail updates to those who will read them. If you want, send me an e-mail soon so I can have a list of addresses ready before I leave. No promises on the frequency of these e-mails, but I will try my hardest to keep you informed.
butlerc777@gmail.com
Your prayers are appreciated. Thank you.
Peace.
The true reality of going to Idaho, however, is it will be a spiritual journey.
I am leaving behind the world I know: my job, my family, my state, my dear friends, my perspectives, most of my belongings, and maybe even a bit of my self. A different life awaits me on the opposite end of this journey. I do not know what it will look like, or if it will "look" different at all.
I will not be the same, though.
A friend told me this would be the case, but also explained how my old ways and thoughts will not be easily shaken off. Change, although encouraged by a new location and lifestyle, still does not come easy. It comes with a price.
I hope to spend a lot of time reading, writing (something I have not done much of before), making music, and experiencing God's beauty in the mountains. The same previously mentioned friend also told me to make intentional goals for my time there in order to get the most out of it and facilitate the change I desire. These goals are probably going to be related to the activities I just mentioned.
This weekend was a very emotional one for me. I hosted a send-off party at my house, and over thirty of my friends came to say goodbye. I received many kind words, and some meaningful gifts...the greatest of these was love. After almost everyone had gone, I realised how much I love my friends, and how much they love me. They truly are my family; not to diminish how much I value my family, but rather to say how much I value my friends. We treat each other as family.
Last night I took one final trip to Grand Rapids to support a friend who was performing a stand-up routine, and to see my best friend Korey. I don't often use specific names on this blog, purposefully so, but it is appropriate to mention him. We could not spend much time together, but it meant so much for us to see each other before I left. He also gave me some very meaningful gifts and words.
One friend commented on how we said goodbye as if we would never see each other again.
It is better to love fully, without holding back, than to keep it inside. Fear of rejection stifles the human desire to be vulnerable with each other.
A famous quote from C.S. Lewis:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
God is slowly showing me what love without fear looks like. Perhaps this is what will be different about me when I return to Michigan once more (I was tempted to write "for the final time" instead of "once more"...a good friend once told me I am very dramatic, but it is a good thing because God made my personality this way, haha. Perhaps "final time" is too dramatic, but who knows?).On a different note, I am moving out of Lansing today. Tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday I will be traveling around southeast Michigan: cutting bank ties and seeing a few more friends before I go. Friday and Saturday I will be spending some final time in northern Michigan, and Sunday will be a farewell cookout at my church and one last board game with some friends from Lansing.
Labor Day, Monday, September 2, we leave for Idaho.
I know many of you will want to know what is going on while I am there. I will likely not be blogging or using Facebook during my time on the farm, and I have no idea if I will be able to call people using my cell phone. When possible, I would like to send group e-mail updates to those who will read them. If you want, send me an e-mail soon so I can have a list of addresses ready before I leave. No promises on the frequency of these e-mails, but I will try my hardest to keep you informed.
butlerc777@gmail.com
Your prayers are appreciated. Thank you.
Peace.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Good health
So, some of you may remember when I gave up Taco Bell in an effort to try to eat healthier (or maybe even when I stopped eating at Denny's because I got food poisoning there during finals week...). Last weekend my good friend Jacob was visiting Spring Arbor from Tennessee, and all of the old metal-heads got together for one more big "Taco Bell Metal Run." Lots of metal blasting in my van, and a bunch of dudes eating Taco Bell in the back (without any seating, of course). We went to Taco Bell and Denny's, and I ended up eating at both places. I felt it was a necessary evil for the sake of camaraderie.
Later when I explained this a couple times to other friends, I was asked why I decided to ditch Taco Bell at all, and told by several people that they didn't really care about how bad it is. I copped a sort of, "I'm better and healthier than you," attitude at them, which I'm only now realising.
Earlier this week I started listening to sermons by Andrew Wommack, the head of Charis Bible College in Colorado Springs (the college I visited because it's where almost all my new friends in Colorado attend school). I decided to do this because there's nowhere else I know of to get really solid charismatic teachings around here in Lansing without going to a different church...and I don't feel like dealing with even more church drama than I already have. Right now I'm in the middle of one titled "The Importance of the Word." As one of his points, Andrew brings up the fact that many Americans now worship good health and tout dieting and exercise as the way to acquire it. He then points out that Scripture states plenty of other ways that our bodies are kept healthy.
Some examples he used:
"A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Prov. 17:22
"Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you." Ex. 20:12
Plus plenty of verses (especially in Psalms and Proverbs) about how the fear of the Lord, wisdom, and obeying the Lord bring long life and health. I've actually been running more since getting back from Colorado, and when I heard Andrew Wommack make his points on this topic, I realised that I was filling myself with pride over not eating at certain places and exercising more. He did say (and I agree with him) that diet and exercise are definitely part of good health...but if you look at people who honor their parents and have cheerful hearts (even among those who don't really exercise and don't eat well), they're the ones generally living longer.
I realise now that my focus lately has not been only on becoming healthier, because I still haven't been eating well. My focus with exercise has become about looking good. The verses about good health and long life in the Bible are not placed there in order for use to find some solution for better health...they point to health as an aftereffect of following God. This should be our primary focus. Becoming healthy to glorify God is great, but I think Jesus' words in Matthew chapter six are useful here:
"Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
If we are seeking God with our whole heart, good health is something we don't need to worry about at all. God knows what we need and will take care of it for us. All we need to worry about is loving and obeying Him.
I like that.
Peace.
Later when I explained this a couple times to other friends, I was asked why I decided to ditch Taco Bell at all, and told by several people that they didn't really care about how bad it is. I copped a sort of, "I'm better and healthier than you," attitude at them, which I'm only now realising.
Earlier this week I started listening to sermons by Andrew Wommack, the head of Charis Bible College in Colorado Springs (the college I visited because it's where almost all my new friends in Colorado attend school). I decided to do this because there's nowhere else I know of to get really solid charismatic teachings around here in Lansing without going to a different church...and I don't feel like dealing with even more church drama than I already have. Right now I'm in the middle of one titled "The Importance of the Word." As one of his points, Andrew brings up the fact that many Americans now worship good health and tout dieting and exercise as the way to acquire it. He then points out that Scripture states plenty of other ways that our bodies are kept healthy.
Some examples he used:
"A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Prov. 17:22
"Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you." Ex. 20:12
Plus plenty of verses (especially in Psalms and Proverbs) about how the fear of the Lord, wisdom, and obeying the Lord bring long life and health. I've actually been running more since getting back from Colorado, and when I heard Andrew Wommack make his points on this topic, I realised that I was filling myself with pride over not eating at certain places and exercising more. He did say (and I agree with him) that diet and exercise are definitely part of good health...but if you look at people who honor their parents and have cheerful hearts (even among those who don't really exercise and don't eat well), they're the ones generally living longer.
I realise now that my focus lately has not been only on becoming healthier, because I still haven't been eating well. My focus with exercise has become about looking good. The verses about good health and long life in the Bible are not placed there in order for use to find some solution for better health...they point to health as an aftereffect of following God. This should be our primary focus. Becoming healthy to glorify God is great, but I think Jesus' words in Matthew chapter six are useful here:
"Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
If we are seeking God with our whole heart, good health is something we don't need to worry about at all. God knows what we need and will take care of it for us. All we need to worry about is loving and obeying Him.
I like that.
Peace.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Westward 2012, pre-launch
So, following somewhat in the footsteps of my trip West one year ago, tomorrow I'm embarking on my second trip to the Rockies...this time, by myself. I'm taking a bus to Colorado Springs to hang out with some friends I have there and to see if it's a place where I could eventually live. I'll be gone until October 11. Just like last year, I will try to post regularly on here and have pictures of the places I visit.
I'm excited to see what God has planned for this trip. Great things usually happen when I get out of my own comfort zone, and this is pretty far out there. Don't get me wrong, it's something I definitely want to be doing, but this is the biggest trip I've ever done by myself. I've been needing a shake-up to my routine, though. This trip will be really good for me in that way.
One big issue I'm facing with all this is getting someone to lead worship at my church this Sunday while I'm away. So far I've been entirely unsuccessful at finding a replacement, and now I'm leaving Lansing without having this problem resolved. It doesn't feel good, but I'm trying to trust that God has it under control.
Another issue is my job situation after I get back. One of my friends from church is giving me a referral to his factory when I get back, and it would be exactly the kind of work I need right now. I would appreciate your prayers for this and for the other things I've already mentioned.
Peace.
I'm excited to see what God has planned for this trip. Great things usually happen when I get out of my own comfort zone, and this is pretty far out there. Don't get me wrong, it's something I definitely want to be doing, but this is the biggest trip I've ever done by myself. I've been needing a shake-up to my routine, though. This trip will be really good for me in that way.
One big issue I'm facing with all this is getting someone to lead worship at my church this Sunday while I'm away. So far I've been entirely unsuccessful at finding a replacement, and now I'm leaving Lansing without having this problem resolved. It doesn't feel good, but I'm trying to trust that God has it under control.
Another issue is my job situation after I get back. One of my friends from church is giving me a referral to his factory when I get back, and it would be exactly the kind of work I need right now. I would appreciate your prayers for this and for the other things I've already mentioned.
Peace.
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