Stay free

So, a lot of jumbled thoughts have been racing through my mind lately, and although I have wanted to blog several times, there just has not been good enough material until tonight.

I realised some time ago that I have a very hard time staying in one place and in one job. Five years of living on a three-month schedule between college, camp, and home sort of conditioned me to be used to that sort of thing...not to mention my insatiable wanderlust. Keeping a steady job is something I esteem in my mind, but after a few months I start getting anxious. I suppose the grass always looks greener elsewhere to me as well. The same is happening at my current job working for a moving company. It is certainly not a bad job. Some days I get anxious about who I will have to work with, but the pay is good and the work is enjoyable for the most part. I am not getting enough hours right now, but I know the summer moving season is closing in, and I could apply for a driver position and immediately start making more money.

So, why look for a new job? I suppose I don't have a good enough reason.

Right now, I think this is a test of my endurance. I could make more money working at a camp all summer (which I am currently doing on the weekends), but a regular summer job would necessarily end eventually, and I would be out of work again. Not a healthy cycle to continue in the long run. Buckling down and saving money should take prime importance to me right now.

A long-time friend of mine is visiting Grand Rapids from Rapid City, South Dakota, and we got a chance to catch up this evening. Hearing about my job situation, he informed me that oilfield workers in North Dakota can make upwards of $40,000 per year in entry-level jobs, and that the job market in the Dakotas in general is MUCH better than here in Michigan. This not only raised my hopes for finding better work out West next summer, but also piqued my interest toward the oilfield jobs. I have certainly considered similar jobs because of the pay, but I had not given it any serious thought. Now, however, I may actually go join one of these operations once my year lease is up in 2015.

This presents another self-imposed quandary. I am always laying obligations on myself: ministry obligations, job obligations (jobligations?), friend obligations...you name it. I try to make plans very far in advance and then keep myself to them. This is not always a negative thing. A man of his word is very hard to find nowadays. The issue comes when I regret the obligations I have unnecessarily forced on myself.

Example: I very much want to move to Durango, Colorado Springs, or Santa Fe in summer 2015. When I first considered working the oilfields, I immediately thought, "Oh, but then I would be going back on what I said to this person, and that one, and...." Wait a minute. I am about to sign a year lease in Grand Rapids, sure, but I have made no agreements past that point. None. I am a free agent once that year is up, and I really should take advantage of it.

The plan is to move out West. Beyond that, I will stay speculating, and avoid making any promises.

I think I'll post more journal entries from Idaho next.

Peace.

Westward 2013, pre-launch

So, here we are again. The third summer's-end in a row I'm making a trip west. This trip is much different, though. Instead of a vacation, it is a work trip, a seasonal volunteer opportunity, a long road trip, a new temporary home, a chance to unplug myself from most technology and the rest of the world for a season.

The true reality of going to Idaho, however, is it will be a spiritual journey.

I am leaving behind the world I know: my job, my family, my state, my dear friends, my perspectives, most of my belongings, and maybe even a bit of my self. A different life awaits me on the opposite end of this journey. I do not know what it will look like, or if it will "look" different at all.

I will not be the same, though.

A friend told me this would be the case, but also explained how my old ways and thoughts will not be easily shaken off. Change, although encouraged by a new location and lifestyle, still does not come easy. It comes with a price.

I hope to spend a lot of time reading, writing (something I have not done much of before), making music, and experiencing God's beauty in the mountains. The same previously mentioned friend also told me to make intentional goals for my time there in order to get the most out of it and facilitate the change I desire. These goals are probably going to be related to the activities I just mentioned.

This weekend was a very emotional one for me. I hosted a send-off party at my house, and over thirty of my friends came to say goodbye. I received many kind words, and some meaningful gifts...the greatest of these was love. After almost everyone had gone, I realised how much I love my friends, and how much they love me. They truly are my family; not to diminish how much I value my family, but rather to say how much I value my friends. We treat each other as family.

Last night I took one final trip to Grand Rapids to support a friend who was performing a stand-up routine, and to see my best friend Korey. I don't often use specific names on this blog, purposefully so, but it is appropriate to mention him. We could not spend much time together, but it meant so much for us to see each other before I left. He also gave me some very meaningful gifts and words.

One friend commented on how we said goodbye as if we would never see each other again.

It is better to love fully, without holding back, than to keep it inside. Fear of rejection stifles the human desire to be vulnerable with each other.

A famous quote from C.S. Lewis:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

God is slowly showing me what love without fear looks like. Perhaps this is what will be different about me when I return to Michigan once more (I was tempted to write "for the final time" instead of "once more"...a good friend once told me I am very dramatic, but it is a good thing because God made my personality this way, haha. Perhaps "final time" is too dramatic, but who knows?).

On a different note, I am moving out of Lansing today. Tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday I will be traveling around southeast Michigan: cutting bank ties and seeing a few more friends before I go. Friday and Saturday I will be spending some final time in northern Michigan, and Sunday will be a farewell cookout at my church and one last board game with some friends from Lansing.

Labor Day, Monday, September 2, we leave for Idaho.

I know many of you will want to know what is going on while I am there. I will likely not be blogging or using Facebook during my time on the farm, and I have no idea if I will be able to call people using my cell phone. When possible, I would like to send group e-mail updates to those who will read them. If you want, send me an e-mail soon so I can have a list of addresses ready before I leave. No promises on the frequency of these e-mails, but I will try my hardest to keep you informed.

butlerc777@gmail.com

Your prayers are appreciated. Thank you.

Peace.

The Soo

So, I just got back from vacation with my family at Sault Ste. Marie. My grandparents have been going there almost every autumn for the past...many...autumns so my grampa can go fishing. My mom and I went up to visit for an extended weekend since neither of us had been there with my grandparents in seven years. I didn't actually catch anything, but it was a great trip. We went thrift store shopping on the first day, something my family isn't used to doing, and I got to show them what kind of AWESOME things you kind get for super cheap. Alright...maybe their idea of awesome is a little different from mine, but oh well.

My mom and I visited Whitefish Point and Tahquamenon Falls on the second day. Note: the snack shop at Whitefish Point has AWESOME pasties (I had my first one ever there) which they order from Gaylord, and they make their own fudge, which is really fresh and delicious. Tahquamenon Falls was really nice; there are two parks, Upper Falls and Lower Falls, which were formerly only connected to each other by a long, rough dirt trail through the woods...but now it's all boardwalk and asphalt. Definitely an improvement.

Like I said already, I didn't catch any fish at the Soo (Sault Ste. Marie, for any non-Michiganders), but spending time with my grampa was worth it. We went out hours before the sun was up each morning to try to land a big one. This morning, the skies were clear for the first time and we got to watch the stars right before sunrise. I saw a shooting star travel down the handle of the Big Dipper, and Orion is finally back in the sky. It was a good morning.

This is my last full week as an Ingham County park ranger. I'm sad, but I'm hopeful that a new job will come my way soon...one that will help me save more money so I can get out of Lansing for good. I started applying for new jobs this weekend.

Also, my good friend Nate Martin stayed at my house on Labor Day. We walked around the Harris Nature Center in Okemos in the evening, and he took some pictures with his awesome camera. He sent a bunch of them to me, so I'll share some on here.

Peace.

The future is now

So, I've officially finished my last assignment at SAU. I'm packing my stuff up, saying goodbye to friends, and getting ready to delete my FB account for good.

This is one of the weirdest feelings ever.

I was crying a little at the end of my last class today. I'm really sad about not seeing most of these people again on earth.

I think it's okay to be sad, though. I've spent a lot of my life covering up my emotions or badly expressing them. I'd like to just be sad right now: not despairing or hopeless, but sad about the friendships I will be losing.

This isn't to say I'm losing every friendship I have here at the Arb. Some of my relationships are just going to become more difficult, and I'm excited for it. In today's world, the internet and cell phones make relationships easier to create...but they also make us lazy. We're too used to easy relationships, and when relationships become hard, we have a hard time looking on the bright side of things. Relationships that go through hard times, however, are strengthened! This is also why I'm sad: I know several of my best friendships here are going to become much harder to keep up. However, it's also why I'm hopeful, because I know those friendships that last will endure for the rest of my life.

I guess I'm full of mixed emotions today...but that's okay.

Peace.

Know No Fear?

So, the theme at my camp this summer was "Know No Fear." I've been learning a lot about what this means in my life, especially lately.

I have a hard time with trust. I've lost a lot of faith in people in general, and would have to consider myself a pessimistic realist most of the time. Since I have trust issues like this, it's also hard for me to trust God. It's hard for me to put things I'm deeply concerned about in His hands, because part of me is afraid I'll be let down like I usually am. I know this is something a lot of people deal with, but it's also something I've just been realizing about myself.

I'm really afraid of a lot of interactions with people in general because of this fear. Interacting with people online is easier for me. I think this is a trend of my generation, though. We're becoming more dependent on technology for communication, and it's taking away from our social skills...and fast. The generations younger than us are going even faster.

I hate being part of trends like that. I could justify it by saying something like, "Well, in order to stay culturally relevant to today's youth...." I'm not out to be relevant. I want to have real relationships with people without encouraging bad communication habits.

I'm having the "Facebook ditching" conversation with people right now. It's interesting to see how scared people get of their friends leaving it. We think it's so hard to communicate without it that we fear we'll lose friendships without it. Well, what if we do? We can't be friends with everyone on earth, even though Facebook would tell us otherwise. It seems like we're all just really insecure and afraid of having fewer friends. I wonder why that is.

It's ironic: we seem to be afraid of going out of our way and having real, meaningful interactions...but we also seem to be afraid of having fewer friends. I think that's a little counterproductive.

Anyway, I went a different direction than I was planning when I started writing. Funny how that works. It's late and I'm losing focus. I think I'll stop before I start writing really silly things.

"You say tomato; I say video games!" ~FIF

Peace.