Resurrection

"He began to reflect: there was nothing foul, no bad act, but there were thoughts, bad thoughts, which were that all his present intentions - marrying Katyusha and giving the land away to the peasants - that all this was an unrealizable dream, that he would not carry it to its conclusion, that it was all artificial, unnatural, and that he ought to live as he had been living.

"There was no bad act, but there was something much worse than a bad act: there were those thoughts from which spring all bad deeds. A bad act may not be repeated, and one may repent of it; but evil thoughts generate all evil deeds.

"A bad act only smooths out the path for other bad acts; bad thoughts irresistibly drag one down that path."

~Tolstoy, "Resurrection"

So, there's that. I had no idea reading a Tolstoy book would have an impact on my spiritual life, and yet as I read it today I realised this is, in fact, the case. I have seen the truth of the above words in my own life. Life in Grand Rapids is easy and good, and I have become lazy in my mind and spirit here. I have finally seen some of the wickedness which has crept into my mind, and it pains me to realise I have left it alone for so long. I miss the teachings of Jesus, the words of life I have taken for granted, the community of the church. Having realised these things, now is the time for spiritual and physical action. Please pray for me as I seek God's guidance.

Peace.

Druid

Gath'ring now in dimming light
Round vibrant blaze, a heavy daze
Grows thicker with oncoming night

Faces blurred by ashen smoke
All in a trance with crossed-arm stance
Offer up the sacrificial oak

In ancient song their voices rise
Through the trees, on whisp'ring breeze
The forest muffles their primal cries

A sudden hush as one steps forth
Wave of hand, no more they stand
But sit as the elder gestures north

Through moonlit clouds his tales unfold
Of stars and sky and times gone by
His enraptured audience forgetting the cold

The breeze, nay, wind, now growing loud
A sudden flash, a deaf'ning crash
The thunder shakes the gathered crowd

A beat not lost in the gath'ring storm
The elder's eyes glint like steel against flint
Fire, moonlight, and shadow distorting his form

Words filling beds of dry rivers of thought
Unmasking their fears, he brings them to tears
In nets of pure image their minds have been caught

But now the rain begins to fall
All on their feet, they now retreat
The elder trails, alone and tall

Into the shadows they disperse
Through days of yore and tales of lore
'Cross deepest mem'ries they traverse

If to the woods at night you bring
An open ear, you may yet hear
The echoes of their voices ring

South-West Bound

Hello friends! Important events are beginning to unravel. In case you haven't seen me post about it on FB, you should know that I am applying for a crew leader position at the Southwest Conservation Corps based in northern New Mexico and southern Colorado. I feel like I am definitely capable of being a crew leader per their qualifications, but at the very least I do not think I can fail to land a job as a crew member. In fact, I was initially planning on only applying for a crew member position, but the applications for that one are not open until December, and the leader positions are open now. 

If I land the crew leader job, I will be moving out of Michigan in April...possibly even March.

This puts things into perspective. I am normally pretty good with my spending, but now I see I really need to cut some frivolous spending. Start buying more groceries and try to kill my fast-food habit. Get rid of more stuff. I have been doing this one slowly with each new place I live in, but if I am moving out West, I hope to seriously downsize. This is not from some sort of obsession with poverty, because I like having money, haha. I want to live more simply, which is very hard in America today. My ultimate goal: be able to move across the country with everything I own inside my van. This may seem outlandish to some of you, but I was almost able to do this when I moved to Grand Rapids. I'm already selling off my bicycle and bass guitar, and I'll probably be giving a bunch of my clothes to Goodwill before I leave. 

Just a quick update. I'll probably be back soon to write more.

Peace.

Thoughts on stewardship

These are two journal entries I have written so far on my current trip to the mountains. They are mostly the result of a book I am reading called "Braiding Sweetgrass." I would recommend it to anyone, although the content might be very challenging for some of you if you choose to read it.

7-29-14:
We Christians are not as smart as we think we are. Our knowledge of God is so incomplete, yet we forget this fact. Do we really believe God hardly cares how we treat the earth? The theological ideas of "stewardship," "in the world, but not of it," and "being made in the image of God" have collided in such a negative way that we have developed a "god complex" of our own. Sure, we may be valued over other creations, but we came last, which carries more meaning than you might typically think about. Other creations are also highly valued by God. Why would they be a part of the web of life if they were not valuable? I think we need to seriously re-evaluate our theology regarding the care of the earth. We should certainly live as spiritual beings, but this earth is not without spirit itself. We should not treat this as solely our home, but truly as stewards whose Master will return to judge our stewardship.

7-31-14:
The world cannot function solely on taking, neither can it function solely on giving. True relationships are always reciprocal. However, when we walk into the woods, we only take, and rarely give of ourselves. We kill biting insects instead of giving our blood, and shoo away anything which tries to rest on us. I'm NOT saying we should allow ourselves to be eaten alive or expose ourselves to disease, but this is symbolic of our attitude in general regarding nature. We see it as something which only exists for our benefit, not as an entity we have been taking advantage of for too long. Heaven forbid we even start viewing plants and animals as fellow beings which also have a right to exist! What vast changes would be heralded by such a shift in perspective!

The Chase

Memories fade in and out
A highway, windows down, warm breeze
Traveling alone
Silence

Brief moments of uninhibited freedom
Call to me from far away
Through time, space, and blood
Ask me to leave
Run with them
Abandon security and reason
For the beauty of the chase

"Let us hunt down the sunset
Fleeing before our eyes
We will not slay it
But release it as it passes
For its glory is greatest when free
As is yours, child of man"

Soldiers and Sand

Entrenched soldiers, they lie
Between layers of the dead
Half their comrades below
The rest overhead
As another wave passes
They can feel the crashes
Of bombs on the death field
Their gruesome shield
The sun on the horizon their only hope and solace
Just a little longer

After a few warm days, a rainstorm leaves but a shallow layer of wet sand above several inches which are dry. Past that distance the wet sand again takes over, creating an interesting, almost oreo-like set of layers on the beach. You may see a soaked beach, but take a step in, and your feet bring dry sand back up with them. Strange. Another storm approaches in the distance, but even this will likely not be enough to complete the dousing.

The Madness

Ho! There it is again!
That slumb'ring giant
The courageous flight
That comforting night
The madness

It grips my soul a moment
The urge to flee
Not for fear
Nor from tears
To the road

Comes on without warning
And leaves as suddenly
The burden still lingers
The wheel in my fingers
Wanderlust

On track

So, I never like to admit it when I'm in a spiritual funk. That being said, I've been in one for a while. Talking to a friend recently, I finally admitted this out loud and asked for prayer about it. This weekend I got to visit my home church in Webberville, hear some things from the pastor I really needed, catch up with some old friends, and talk with them about all this as well. It was a long but very necessary weekend.

I have been exposed to a lot of spiritual influences since being in Idaho this fall, and not all of them healthy. The different philosophies and ideas about God I've had floating around my thoughts led to a spiritual darkness and laziness. "What is truth? Should I approach God this way or this way? How close to God are other religions? How close are any of us?" These are the sort of questions which I've been thinking about. They are important ones to wrestle with, no doubt, but I was being led to answers which were not spiritually beneficial for me. I was swaying with every new wind of doctrine. This morning God reminded me I can approach him with confidence through Christ. Though I am a man of unclean lips, I should not step back from God in guilt, but step forward in hope with each realisation of my unholiness to accept the burning coal and be purified.

Although I have had dark times in my life, God always brings me back and reminds me of His goodness. Thanks be to Him.

I would appreciate your prayers in this. Thank you.

Peace.

Based on actual feelings

Campfire night. The air intoxicates. What draws us and tempts us to stay longer, a little longer? Is it nostalgia? An ancient feeling. Ancient air. Ancient flame.

Sehnsucht.

It is here in the wind, the colours on the water, the frogs, the embers sparking, swirling, flying higher and higher in an eternal circle up to heaven itself, incense to God. Our spirits dance up with them, soaring, releasing us from the world into reality.

Check the time, time to go.

Please, please, please don't go.

The Great Michigan West

So, as many of you may know, I have been living on a friend's couch in Grand Rapids since last December. You may also know I am finally about to move into a new apartment on the west side of Grand Rapids tomorrow with one of my best friends, Andrew. I am beyond excited. Andrew and I have been friends since high school, and we were even roommates in college (which was AWESOME). Along with all this, I'll also be starting a new job at Ottawa County Parks, one which will pay well and I'll love.

This will be one of the most permanent moves I have made. I'm trying to take everything I would want to take out West with me when I move (hopefully summer 2015). I boxed up a bunch of clothes I'm giving away and threw out a lot of junk I've been holding onto for years. This is a really big deal to me, especially since I've never signed a serious lease before. It's almost like I'm grown up. Almost.

Since I am so excited about this, I've decided to make it even better. Tomorrow when I leave my house in Williamston, I won't be taking the highway to Grand Rapids. As it turns out, Grand River Ave. goes all the way from my house to our new apartment in Standale. Certainly, it changes names through Grand Rapids, but it's pretty much a straight shot all the way there. I'll be blasting my favourite music all the way there on my new car stereo, riding west toward my new home. This short road trip is the start of a new life of adventure.

In a sense, I'll be officially starting my trip out West, riding into destiny.

I am West Bound.

Peace.

Mountains and West Bound

*This is a journal entry from my trip to Idaho, one day prior to arriving at the farm. This is not a complete journal entry; I have abstained from posting all of it, as it contains personal thoughts which I have shared only with close friends*

Mountains can be very deceiving when trying to judge distance. Everything seems much closer than it is, and what looks like a twenty-minute drive could actually take forty-five minutes. On the flip side, because they are so large, one can seemingly gain very little ground on a certain peak, then realise they have traveled ten miles.

Mount Moran has an enormous hole in its center this time of year. You can see right through, as long as there are clouds behind it. The clouds in the hole don't move with the others, though. Strange. *This was a reference to the glacier on the side of the mountain, which at times matched the colour of the clouds behind it almost perfectly*

-

I realised something else today. This "West" I have longed for is not really a place. It is freedom, beauty, the wild, adventure, and love. The American West is romanticised; the ideals behind it are what I truly long for. These can be had anywhere in life. I can carry the West in my heart and live the life I have always wanted, even apart from the mountains. This may change my life.

"West Bound" is no longer just a Facebook pseudonym: it is becoming and is already who I am. Perhaps it will be a "real" pseudonym for future writings.

We will be in Moyie Springs by Saturday. I am excited to have a wood-burning stove and a place to put my belongings other than the car. I am also excited to start writing letters.

Kootenay Lake

*This is a journal entry from my time in Idaho, written during a weekend we spent on the shores of Kootenay Lake in Nelson, British Columbia*

 This morning I walked down to the lake.

Loons wailed out one last time to welcome the dawn. The mountains around Lake Kootenay were still wrapped in a deep shroud of blue, only the most distant ones to the east showing a soft orange variation as the sun rose behind them. Ospreys flew overhead, calling to one another as they scoured the water for fish. A few ambitious gulls were just starting their day. A flock of geese flew past, almost militaristic in the flying-V formation. Crows discussed their plans for the day, the noisiest of all the neighbours this morning. The waters were somewhat turbulent, as if the heavenly peace of the morning nauseated them.

As I stood watching, the distant orange hues began melting closer into the mountains' blue. Sunlight pierced the veil on the hilltops behind me, revealing the lovely greens of the forest. Half of the mountains I could see were retaining their misty blue, their features still indistinguishable, and half were covered in a hazy orange reflected from the vanilla-peach clouds above them.

The clouds themselves seemed too light and wispy to have such a profound effect on the mountainscape. A horse's tail here, a bird's wing there, white sponge pressings, and pink sky-ripples all littered the great blue expanse above me. Impossible to truly duplicate on a canvas, yet infinitely unique every day in the natural world. The result of a great Artist's eternal creativity.

Stay free

So, a lot of jumbled thoughts have been racing through my mind lately, and although I have wanted to blog several times, there just has not been good enough material until tonight.

I realised some time ago that I have a very hard time staying in one place and in one job. Five years of living on a three-month schedule between college, camp, and home sort of conditioned me to be used to that sort of thing...not to mention my insatiable wanderlust. Keeping a steady job is something I esteem in my mind, but after a few months I start getting anxious. I suppose the grass always looks greener elsewhere to me as well. The same is happening at my current job working for a moving company. It is certainly not a bad job. Some days I get anxious about who I will have to work with, but the pay is good and the work is enjoyable for the most part. I am not getting enough hours right now, but I know the summer moving season is closing in, and I could apply for a driver position and immediately start making more money.

So, why look for a new job? I suppose I don't have a good enough reason.

Right now, I think this is a test of my endurance. I could make more money working at a camp all summer (which I am currently doing on the weekends), but a regular summer job would necessarily end eventually, and I would be out of work again. Not a healthy cycle to continue in the long run. Buckling down and saving money should take prime importance to me right now.

A long-time friend of mine is visiting Grand Rapids from Rapid City, South Dakota, and we got a chance to catch up this evening. Hearing about my job situation, he informed me that oilfield workers in North Dakota can make upwards of $40,000 per year in entry-level jobs, and that the job market in the Dakotas in general is MUCH better than here in Michigan. This not only raised my hopes for finding better work out West next summer, but also piqued my interest toward the oilfield jobs. I have certainly considered similar jobs because of the pay, but I had not given it any serious thought. Now, however, I may actually go join one of these operations once my year lease is up in 2015.

This presents another self-imposed quandary. I am always laying obligations on myself: ministry obligations, job obligations (jobligations?), friend obligations...you name it. I try to make plans very far in advance and then keep myself to them. This is not always a negative thing. A man of his word is very hard to find nowadays. The issue comes when I regret the obligations I have unnecessarily forced on myself.

Example: I very much want to move to Durango, Colorado Springs, or Santa Fe in summer 2015. When I first considered working the oilfields, I immediately thought, "Oh, but then I would be going back on what I said to this person, and that one, and...." Wait a minute. I am about to sign a year lease in Grand Rapids, sure, but I have made no agreements past that point. None. I am a free agent once that year is up, and I really should take advantage of it.

The plan is to move out West. Beyond that, I will stay speculating, and avoid making any promises.

I think I'll post more journal entries from Idaho next.

Peace.

Camp again!

So, as most of you have likely heard, I am now working for a YMCA camp south of Grand Rapids on the weekends. I cannot explain how relieved I am to be working at a camp again. The thought of getting a summer job there...I have missed the camp atmosphere so much. It is very much like visiting my home town after years of absence.

As I said, I am only working weekends there right now, but in a few weeks I will be interviewing for a summer Nature Specialist position for which my boss is currently interviewing people. I need to bring three outlines (for three different age groups) for a day's curriculum I would use in their nature center. I am very excited for this opportunity because in interviewing for other jobs, I have never had to really prove I am qualified for a position. It is a personal challenge, and one I am very excited about.

Also coming up in a few weeks, one of my best friends, Andrew, and I should be moving into our own apartment in Grand Rapids. This is also a personal challenge for me, for although I have been living on my own for some time now, this will be the first time I will live in a place where I do not know the landlord/homeowner, and will be the most binding lease I have signed up to this point. It is also very exciting for me because Andrew actually wants to move out West with me, and so I will be living with someone who has a common goal instead of with people who want me to stick around Michigan. This will help motivate both of us to action.

I have been reading a lot lately, which has made me feel much better than normal. I put up my Thoreau book for a while and read "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," which was phenomenal. Several books I read this fall referenced this one by way of stating it had a profound impact on this person or that author, so when I saw it in a bookstore I decided it would be worth my time and money. This was absolutely true. It is both a modern philosophy book and a story based on true events. The author, Robert Pirsig, is a very skilled author and philosopher in my opinion. The book had a lot of great thoughts on art, living intentionally, and living with quality in mind. It is rather hard for me to explain (literary analysis was never one of my strong points), but I would highly recommend it if you want to really think while you're reading and are open to reading some very interesting philosophy.

Now I am back to my Thoreau book, which is also full of its own philosophy.

Peace.

Internal thoughts

So, living in Grand Rapids has been very good for me thus far. I have a job, I live in a house full of friends, I reside in the city I have wanted to live in for about four years, and I am keeping up with the friendships which matter most to me. One could say I have the makings of a very fulfilled life, and they would not be wrong in saying it.

During my time here, I have had some good realisations about myself. First, one which has been a gradual realisation over the past several years, is that I have a very restless spirit. It is difficult for me to stay living in one place and working one job for a long time. I love change, new scenery, and traveling. The desire to just leave without a real destination is very strong in me. Winter exacerbates these qualities. "Cabin fever" has almost driven me to make very unwise decisions on multiple occasions. A friend recently said I seem less happy lately, and I would blame this as the root cause.

Second, although I have a wanderer's spirit, I also have a strong sense of responsibility which, more often than any other single factor, is the one thing which keeps me from following through on some of my crazier ideas. It is this sense of responsibility/loyalty which keeps me from immediately moving across the country. I do not want to go back on plans I have made with others. Although I do this with regularity, some things seem more important to me than others. If I tell you I want you to travel across the country with me, rest assured I mean it. If I leave without giving you a chance to come with me...that is something I cannot allow myself to do. Keeping my word is important to me; in light of this, I do not give it often. Business must be resolved before the wandering can commence.

Third, I have realised how incredibly internalised my thoughts and feelings are, and how easy it is for me to slip into my own mind and shut out the outside world. My own views on all kinds of matters are so personal to me, and my own confusion on issues which many consider "black-and-white" is so great, the vast majority of people only think they know my opinion. I fear what people think of me, so when I find myself in disagreement with someone, I often respond in ways which avoid the conflict instead of facing it. This is especially true regarding theological issues. Oops.

My mind is, in effect, my log cabin in the mountains. This is where my dearest dreams grow and flourish, where I can go to be at peace from others. It can be very lonely at times, but I have not yet found someone to whom I feel completely safe giving a key. Not to say I have no friends who I allow in at times (some are regular guests, in fact); I simply have not yet found a person with whom I can truly share this space with.

Perhaps this describes all of us. We all are the kings and queens of our own castles, keeping out the riff-raff and allowing only those closest to us in for any amount of time. The mind is a beautiful place. Dreams and imaginations bigger than the universe are found there, creativity with no limits. Our innermost being is also found here: the person we really are, or at least perceive we really are; the person we want others to know, and yet the person we are afraid to reveal at the same time. Being open means being vulnerable.

The thought has often crossed my mind to begin speaking completely open, being forward and blunt with my thoughts and emotions. Not to the point of hurting someone with my words, of course, but also not allowing fear to dictate my communications. Telling someone "I think you are beautiful" without fear, giving a stranger a hug because it looks like they need one, stopping on the side of the road to see if they need help...the sort of chivalrous things we all say we believe are good and right, but which few of us actually do with any regularity.

I have been reading "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," and it has been very insightful so far. It is likely the reason I have been thinking about all these things. I highly recommend it to everyone.

Peace.

Snow AdVANture

So, today I went on the biggest adventure I have been on since returning from Idaho. I overslept this morning and did not make it to a church service in time, and while I was watching a lecture for class my roommate Korey (who had already left the house once) came back. He was taking his girlfriend home to St. Joseph, but a brake line had failed in his car, and he asked me if I could drive them. I agreed, and we went on our way.

After safely getting her back home, Korey and I decided to go look at the lake (St. Joseph is right on Lake Michigan), as I have not seen a Great Lake in the winter. As we drove toward the lake on a small road leading into a beach, we saw that the snow was getting too deep to continue safely, and in the whiteout conditions, it was only going to worsen. I stopped the van to back up, but it was too late: we were bottomed out and stuck. After shoveling the snow away with a paddle I happened to have in my car (a paddle once taken down the Clam River in Cadillac...), we still were not going anywhere. A woman drove up after several minutes of this and offered to help, saying she had tow straps in her car and a snow shovel nearby. Apparently she is from Colorado, and eventually took over and just backed my van right out herself, haha. She said she was also going to the lake, and was a local photographer going to take pictures on the dunes. After helping us out, she also invited us to tag along as she went out to take pictures. We hopped in her van and she proceeded to go down the same route where Korey and I got stuck.

Needless to say, her vehicle got stuck, too.

Fortunately, a man driving past just moments afterward had a hitch and helped us out. We ended up finding a parking spot nearby and just walking over.

Naturally, we still could not make it to the lake. In the VERY same spot, someone else had gotten themselves stuck, and we took the next 20 or so minutes helping them. By the time we actually got to the lake, the woman's camera had either become too cold or had got moisture in it, and would not take pictures.

The lake, though...the lake was beautiful. We walked up frozen, snow-covered dunes to a small overlook. I have never seen frozen sand before. The beach was snowy and icy, and the white-capped breakers were crashing silently on the shore; the wind was so loud it drowned them out. A blizzard was keeping us from looking out too far across the lake. We probably could not see more than a half mile out.

After failing to take any pictures, we returned to our cars and headed out. There were sheets of ice in my beard at this point.

It would have been very natural to complain in this situation: a long day of driving in terrible weather conditions, the stress of people trying to sort out rides for the next few days without a working vehicle, my vehicle almost getting seriously stuck, running out to take pictures and the camera failing...all while my clothes are soaked, it's incredibly cold with a vicious biting wind, and I'm dehydrated. One of my other roommates even said afterward that I'm one of the few people today who actually has a legitimate reason to complain about the snow.

However, this was probably the most fun I have had since returning to Michigan, and I had a lot of fun all day long. Getting stuck, getting cold...this things make me feel alive. I'm thankful for everything that happened today, and I'm glad I decided to go.

Peace.

A New Year

So, looking back on 2013, I'm inclined to call it a year of reconciliation for myself. Several very close friendships were restored and my relationship with my dad finally received some important healing. Brian "Head" Welch, from the band Korn, used this term in reference to 2013, and I agreed with his assessment.

I have decided that 2014 is going to be a year of education. Tomorrow, I start an Introduction to Genetics and Evolution class, and Monday I start Dinosaur Paleobiology. Both are online through Coursera.org, a program which partners with major universities around the world to offer a large number of free online classes to anyone. I am very excited to start both classes, and they are both going to help me become more connected with the paleontological field. Until I am able to either find a job in that area or at least take more formal classes to further my education in it, I am planning on continuously taking free online courses of this nature. It will help me stay interested and on track with my life goals.

That being said, if anyone is interested in taking these courses along with me, it IS free, and I would love to discuss them with you!

Peace.