Camp again!

So, as most of you have likely heard, I am now working for a YMCA camp south of Grand Rapids on the weekends. I cannot explain how relieved I am to be working at a camp again. The thought of getting a summer job there...I have missed the camp atmosphere so much. It is very much like visiting my home town after years of absence.

As I said, I am only working weekends there right now, but in a few weeks I will be interviewing for a summer Nature Specialist position for which my boss is currently interviewing people. I need to bring three outlines (for three different age groups) for a day's curriculum I would use in their nature center. I am very excited for this opportunity because in interviewing for other jobs, I have never had to really prove I am qualified for a position. It is a personal challenge, and one I am very excited about.

Also coming up in a few weeks, one of my best friends, Andrew, and I should be moving into our own apartment in Grand Rapids. This is also a personal challenge for me, for although I have been living on my own for some time now, this will be the first time I will live in a place where I do not know the landlord/homeowner, and will be the most binding lease I have signed up to this point. It is also very exciting for me because Andrew actually wants to move out West with me, and so I will be living with someone who has a common goal instead of with people who want me to stick around Michigan. This will help motivate both of us to action.

I have been reading a lot lately, which has made me feel much better than normal. I put up my Thoreau book for a while and read "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," which was phenomenal. Several books I read this fall referenced this one by way of stating it had a profound impact on this person or that author, so when I saw it in a bookstore I decided it would be worth my time and money. This was absolutely true. It is both a modern philosophy book and a story based on true events. The author, Robert Pirsig, is a very skilled author and philosopher in my opinion. The book had a lot of great thoughts on art, living intentionally, and living with quality in mind. It is rather hard for me to explain (literary analysis was never one of my strong points), but I would highly recommend it if you want to really think while you're reading and are open to reading some very interesting philosophy.

Now I am back to my Thoreau book, which is also full of its own philosophy.

Peace.

Internal thoughts

So, living in Grand Rapids has been very good for me thus far. I have a job, I live in a house full of friends, I reside in the city I have wanted to live in for about four years, and I am keeping up with the friendships which matter most to me. One could say I have the makings of a very fulfilled life, and they would not be wrong in saying it.

During my time here, I have had some good realisations about myself. First, one which has been a gradual realisation over the past several years, is that I have a very restless spirit. It is difficult for me to stay living in one place and working one job for a long time. I love change, new scenery, and traveling. The desire to just leave without a real destination is very strong in me. Winter exacerbates these qualities. "Cabin fever" has almost driven me to make very unwise decisions on multiple occasions. A friend recently said I seem less happy lately, and I would blame this as the root cause.

Second, although I have a wanderer's spirit, I also have a strong sense of responsibility which, more often than any other single factor, is the one thing which keeps me from following through on some of my crazier ideas. It is this sense of responsibility/loyalty which keeps me from immediately moving across the country. I do not want to go back on plans I have made with others. Although I do this with regularity, some things seem more important to me than others. If I tell you I want you to travel across the country with me, rest assured I mean it. If I leave without giving you a chance to come with me...that is something I cannot allow myself to do. Keeping my word is important to me; in light of this, I do not give it often. Business must be resolved before the wandering can commence.

Third, I have realised how incredibly internalised my thoughts and feelings are, and how easy it is for me to slip into my own mind and shut out the outside world. My own views on all kinds of matters are so personal to me, and my own confusion on issues which many consider "black-and-white" is so great, the vast majority of people only think they know my opinion. I fear what people think of me, so when I find myself in disagreement with someone, I often respond in ways which avoid the conflict instead of facing it. This is especially true regarding theological issues. Oops.

My mind is, in effect, my log cabin in the mountains. This is where my dearest dreams grow and flourish, where I can go to be at peace from others. It can be very lonely at times, but I have not yet found someone to whom I feel completely safe giving a key. Not to say I have no friends who I allow in at times (some are regular guests, in fact); I simply have not yet found a person with whom I can truly share this space with.

Perhaps this describes all of us. We all are the kings and queens of our own castles, keeping out the riff-raff and allowing only those closest to us in for any amount of time. The mind is a beautiful place. Dreams and imaginations bigger than the universe are found there, creativity with no limits. Our innermost being is also found here: the person we really are, or at least perceive we really are; the person we want others to know, and yet the person we are afraid to reveal at the same time. Being open means being vulnerable.

The thought has often crossed my mind to begin speaking completely open, being forward and blunt with my thoughts and emotions. Not to the point of hurting someone with my words, of course, but also not allowing fear to dictate my communications. Telling someone "I think you are beautiful" without fear, giving a stranger a hug because it looks like they need one, stopping on the side of the road to see if they need help...the sort of chivalrous things we all say we believe are good and right, but which few of us actually do with any regularity.

I have been reading "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," and it has been very insightful so far. It is likely the reason I have been thinking about all these things. I highly recommend it to everyone.

Peace.

Snow AdVANture

So, today I went on the biggest adventure I have been on since returning from Idaho. I overslept this morning and did not make it to a church service in time, and while I was watching a lecture for class my roommate Korey (who had already left the house once) came back. He was taking his girlfriend home to St. Joseph, but a brake line had failed in his car, and he asked me if I could drive them. I agreed, and we went on our way.

After safely getting her back home, Korey and I decided to go look at the lake (St. Joseph is right on Lake Michigan), as I have not seen a Great Lake in the winter. As we drove toward the lake on a small road leading into a beach, we saw that the snow was getting too deep to continue safely, and in the whiteout conditions, it was only going to worsen. I stopped the van to back up, but it was too late: we were bottomed out and stuck. After shoveling the snow away with a paddle I happened to have in my car (a paddle once taken down the Clam River in Cadillac...), we still were not going anywhere. A woman drove up after several minutes of this and offered to help, saying she had tow straps in her car and a snow shovel nearby. Apparently she is from Colorado, and eventually took over and just backed my van right out herself, haha. She said she was also going to the lake, and was a local photographer going to take pictures on the dunes. After helping us out, she also invited us to tag along as she went out to take pictures. We hopped in her van and she proceeded to go down the same route where Korey and I got stuck.

Needless to say, her vehicle got stuck, too.

Fortunately, a man driving past just moments afterward had a hitch and helped us out. We ended up finding a parking spot nearby and just walking over.

Naturally, we still could not make it to the lake. In the VERY same spot, someone else had gotten themselves stuck, and we took the next 20 or so minutes helping them. By the time we actually got to the lake, the woman's camera had either become too cold or had got moisture in it, and would not take pictures.

The lake, though...the lake was beautiful. We walked up frozen, snow-covered dunes to a small overlook. I have never seen frozen sand before. The beach was snowy and icy, and the white-capped breakers were crashing silently on the shore; the wind was so loud it drowned them out. A blizzard was keeping us from looking out too far across the lake. We probably could not see more than a half mile out.

After failing to take any pictures, we returned to our cars and headed out. There were sheets of ice in my beard at this point.

It would have been very natural to complain in this situation: a long day of driving in terrible weather conditions, the stress of people trying to sort out rides for the next few days without a working vehicle, my vehicle almost getting seriously stuck, running out to take pictures and the camera failing...all while my clothes are soaked, it's incredibly cold with a vicious biting wind, and I'm dehydrated. One of my other roommates even said afterward that I'm one of the few people today who actually has a legitimate reason to complain about the snow.

However, this was probably the most fun I have had since returning to Michigan, and I had a lot of fun all day long. Getting stuck, getting cold...this things make me feel alive. I'm thankful for everything that happened today, and I'm glad I decided to go.

Peace.

A New Year

So, looking back on 2013, I'm inclined to call it a year of reconciliation for myself. Several very close friendships were restored and my relationship with my dad finally received some important healing. Brian "Head" Welch, from the band Korn, used this term in reference to 2013, and I agreed with his assessment.

I have decided that 2014 is going to be a year of education. Tomorrow, I start an Introduction to Genetics and Evolution class, and Monday I start Dinosaur Paleobiology. Both are online through Coursera.org, a program which partners with major universities around the world to offer a large number of free online classes to anyone. I am very excited to start both classes, and they are both going to help me become more connected with the paleontological field. Until I am able to either find a job in that area or at least take more formal classes to further my education in it, I am planning on continuously taking free online courses of this nature. It will help me stay interested and on track with my life goals.

That being said, if anyone is interested in taking these courses along with me, it IS free, and I would love to discuss them with you!

Peace.

Ice

Yesterday, the ice in the trees was breathtaking. The sun came out and shone upon them all, and the frozen twigs and branches sparkled in an unreal, almost mystical way. It was almost like watching spring happen early. A miniature spring, in fact, was happening: sunlight thawing the trees' fingertips, life forces swirling underneath the bark, stirred to awakening by the temporarily-forgotten sensation of warmth. A long winter's nap, disturbed until the next ice storm passes. Yet to a tree, this time is short. A brief opening of the eyes from slumber, only to see it is not yet time to wake.

There is a beauty in these slower processes which also exists in the faster ones, but those we overlook because they pass so quickly. We can sit and watch a sunset over a lake or mountain, but can we also gaze in awe upon the beauty in a passing stranger's eye? Someone dancing for a few seconds to a song without a care in the world; a drop of water landing in a puddle; two long-lost acquaintances embracing; a single stalk of grass swaying in the wind; a warm handshake from a new acquaintance; a laugh from across a coffee shop; a snowflake landing on your windshield, giving you a glimpse of a once-in-a-lifetime uniqueness before it melts away forever. These quick moments hold just as much beauty as anything else. They are just easier to miss.

Peace.

The Mongolian Connection

So, I have always been a traveler. You could say I am afflicted with chronic wanderlust. I have often thought about living overseas for an extended amount of time. The idea of visiting a place for a few weeks does not particularly appeal to me as much as living somewhere for a few months, or even years. I want to really understand and experience any culture to which I am being introduced.

You may be surprised to hear in this context that I have never really wanted nor felt called to overseas missions work. It has not even mildly interested me in the past, even though I still plan on living in a different country (or countries) for several years of my life. Short-term missions in particular are what have made me dislike the idea of becoming a missionary. If I were to go into the mission field, it would be for an amount of time which would really get me into a culture, enough so I could be a citizen if I bothered with that process.

Due to its barren, wild landscape, interesting culture and history, and numerous important paleontological sites, Mongolia has always piqued my interest, one of the only Asian countries to do so.

This summer, a group called the Freedom Tour came through Lansing and held a weekend event at a local church. I attended on the last evening of it. During this time, they had everyone come up at least once to be prayed over and ask God for their calling, purpose, what they were made for, etc. Someone would be praying for you specifically and asking God for pictures and words about you, and another person would be writing it down. I went up for this. Among other things they said about me in which I could see God's truth, one of the words was something about being a light in Asia for God. They did say wheter anything which was prayed over me did or did not match up with what I already knew about God's calling for my life, pray about all of it. Since I had never considered missions work before (and especially not in Asia), I just took it in stride, although my mind went immediately to Mongolia as the only place which I would really consider.

Fast forward to this evening. I was at an event at the Furnace Prayer Room in East Lansing. A young man named Tyler was presenting something called the Ekballo Project, his idea for missions to the Himalayan region. During this time, I was reminded of what was said to me at the Freedom Tour event. I have become more acclimated to living in a more difficult situation, and although I have certain goals I am currently trying to attain, I would no longer put overseas missions out of the realm of possibility. With all of this in mind, I went up to the fellow after the presentation and prayer time was over and was about to ask if he could pray for me about this as a possibility for the future. Before I could ask, though, he said, "Have we met? Were you at the Freedom Tour this past year in Lansing?"

Whoa. As it turns out, this was in fact the same guy who had prayed over me at the event this summer! Now here I am asking for prayer about the very same things which were brought up at that time which are now in my head again. How very interesting.

Naturally, I would very much appreciate it if you all would pray God would guide me regarding the possibility of future missions to Mongolia. I will be praying a lot about it myself. Thank you.

Also, I finally have a job again! I am now working for Two Men and a Truck in Grand Rapids, where I will be living most of the week. My friend Andrew and I will hopefully be moved here fully in January.

Peace.

The Rapture of the Forest

*This is an extended journal entry from my time in Idaho. I journaled nearly every single day. This entry was written after a walk along the road behind the farm.*

There is a single tree on the farm which is changing colours. Bright, flaming orange, and kind of scrawny.

Sometimes I pretend the clouds are mountains.

Sometimes I imagine the world is moving below the clouds instead of them above the earth. Walking becomes a totally different experience.

As I walked down the road, I realised the raven I heard behind me was catching up. I turn around to look for it, and its calls somehow passed me by, as if made by a phantom bird. Looking up, I see the black phantom high above me, higher than I thought ravens were ever interested in flying. It floated in tight circles on thermals, quickly moving on toward the wilderness.

After finding a cold stream and a trail leading up into the mountains, I turned back. On the road, something happened. I stopped to listen to the rocks. When I did, the forest and rocks sang out for just a moment. The song was deafened in short order by one of the weightiest silences I have ever experienced.

That silence. It almost felt as if some primeval behemoth had me locked in its gaze. I couldn't move.

The Ancient approaches in the silence of the wilderness. You cannot escape. You cannot move. You can only know the Weight of the Presence.

Primeval is the best word. A great power, unknowable, older than the world. No evil intention, yet fear grips you.

A great Deep. Everything stills itself for what seems like an eternity, except the wind. The wind brings this Presence. To and fro it roams. We may not meet again for some time. You cannot search for and find the Presence; you can, however, go out to meet it. Where you meet it is not up to you.

Minutes passed, unmoving. I could have stood there for hours.

The burden grows. You realise it is real. Then it begins to fade, moving on past you. Something breaks you trance, and you realise the Presence is already gone. The dream has passed, and you have woken up. Perhaps, though, this is now the dream, and you had let reality take hold of you for just a moment; now it is gone, and you slumber peacefully, waiting for the wake-up call and that great Dread to find you once again.

Peace.