Honesty

So, today I had a very minor crisis. I was going to see my mom, and as I started driving, I realised I was wearing my tank-top. This wouldn't be any big deal at all if she had any idea that I have a tattoo on my arm.

I got a cross-Trinity combination tattoo from one of my best friends last November. It was something I designed myself, and that I had wanted for over a year. I'd been waiting for the right time, a time when I really felt ready to put something on me that wouldn't go away until I get a new body in heaven. It was the right time. This tattoo is a seal on my arm, a mark of who I belong to and who I want to serve. My friend made me sit, think, and pray for a few hours before he would start, even after I told him how I felt about it and after we discussed the design more in-depth. That was a very good night.

Anyway, I never told my family about it because I felt really awkward. We're a mid-Michigan farming family, very down-to-earth and normal, and by the standards that are generally obeyed in it, I thought I might get scolded, or even shunned a little. So I hid it...until today.

When I left my house and realised I didn't have sleeves to cover it, I immediately turned around and sat in my driveway. "My mom isn't ready to know I have a tattoo yet," I thought. After a little more thought, though, I came to the conclusion that it was really me who wasn't ready to come clean with something that I was embarrassed to tell my family about. As I considered it, I remembered why I got it in the first place, as a mark for Christ, and I came to the conclusion that if I'm ashamed of something that I chose to do for Christ, then I might as well admit to being ashamed of Him as well.

At that point, I decided I was ready.

Of course, as most of you could probably guess, it wasn't even that big of a deal. My mom was surprised, even laughing and thinking it wasn't real at first, but I think she's okay with it now that she knows I put a lot of thought into it, and that my reasons were good. "Better than other things you could be doing, I suppose," was her response. True statement.

I've been caring a lot less about people's opinions of me lately (those who really know me already know how little I cared in the first place, haha), and this was one big step in that direction. I don't mean this in any bad way, but more in the way of trying to please people less and trying more to please God with my life. My family has always been hard for me to deal with in this way, not because they're mean or judging...I was just afraid they would see me as something other than "a good little boy who doesn't do anything out of the ordinary." That's generally the image I've always had in my family (or at least I thought so), but I decided that I don't need to be afraid of letting it go.

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both sould and body in hell." ~Jesus Christ, Matt. 10

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." ~Paul, Gal. 1

We are to fear God, not man...and especially not man's opinions.

Peace.

Work ethic (Rated PG for brief mild language)

So, this is sort of a follow-up to my last post in that it's expounding more on some of the ways God has been pushing me to give up my "childish ways," as Paul puts it. Specifically, I've found new motivation to try to glorify Him in my work by doing my best at it. Now, this may seem like an old message (and it is), but it's a serious problem for me. I'm pretty skilled in the art of relaxation, which is great in itself, but when it overflows into my job, there's trouble.

Also...maybe this is only in my group of friends, but it seems to me like my generation is plagued by the spirit of half-assed work. I'm not saying all of them, because I know some crazy workaholics my age, but I think in general this is true. I know I have to push myself really hard not to cut corners in my job, take too many breaks, etc. This park ranger job especially could be really easy to do poorly, and I think God put me in it on purpose. One of the more obviously non-Christian guys I work with is also the guy with the strongest work ethic, and the only other person who I think may know Jesus happens to be the laziest guy on the crew. Funny how that works.

When I realised that the guy who doesn't express any hope for eternity was a harder worker than me, I knew something was wrong. God's timing is so good. All the other times I've heard messages about how Christians should work their hardest for the glory of God, I simply dismissed them because I was lazy. Now that God has been working in me and making me less lazy, I'm finally starting to get it (and WANT it). Honestly, just taking this much time to write this post is making me want to go do something more productive.

I just got done working about 52 hours this week, which might be the most I've worked in a single week, and I feel great about it. I know I won't always feel so good about working so much, but I know God is doing something in me which will last, something for my good and His glory. Now I just need to save money better, haha.

Peace.

Man Up

So, life has been pretty great the past couple weeks. I've realised certain things about myself...not only that, but finally seem to have the motivation to do something about them. Reading some Tozer ("The Pursuit of God"), Chambers ("My Utmost for His Highest"), Dostoyevsky ("The Gambler"), and memorising some new Scripture (Job 37:21-24..beautiful, beautiful passage) have been helping me kick-start certain areas of my life. As a recovering Calvinist, I'm still more used to asking God to change me than trying to change myself. Asking Him for a heart-change is, of course, a very good thing to ask, but it also requires hard work.

When I look back five years from now, will I be able to say, "I am so glad I didn't waste any more time," or will I say, "Why hasn't anything happened yet?"

To this end, I've been taking some steps to become more disciplined in certain areas of my life. I've been exercising more (strangely enough, I've missed it...), being more intentional with my time in the morning, reading more, spending less time on the computer, keeping the house more clean, and trying to live without fear (in a good way).

For several months now, I've also been a part of a small online prayer group with two of my friends. At the same time as God was getting the ball rolling with all these things in my life, our group got re-energised and we're moving forward with a new strength. God's timing rocks.

My long-time friend Mike stopped at my house the other day, and I discussed a little bit of this with him. I told him I'm sick of being a little boy, and I want to be a man. I'm sick of wasting time playing video games, even if it seems like there's nothing better to do (which is a lie, anyway). I have so many productive things I could be doing that I actually hardly have enough time for any of them; I just haven't been taking advantage of them.

One afternoon last week, I had a fight with a bout of severe depression. I don't like admitting it publicly like this, but it is what it is. Interestingly, the last time I struggled with depression this hard was the beginning of this blog, and I haven't had it so bad since then. At the time it happened, I'm actually not surprised at all. I'm finally making changes in my life to become more of a Godly, disciplined man, and Satan tries to ruin me in the best way possible: convince me that there's no point to anything I'm doing.

When Satan tries to screw things up that hard, you know you're on the right track.

One of my friends gave me a word a while back: sehnsucht. It's German, and we don't actually have an adequate equivalent for it in English...but when I looked it up, I realised that I actually know this word very well. C.S. Lewis describes it like this: "That unnameable something, desire for which pierces us like a rapier at the smell of bonfire, the sound of wild ducks flying overhead, the title of The Well at the World's End, the opening lines of "Kubla Khan", the morning cobwebs in late summer, or the noise of falling waves." This feeling (described more in my post Wapiti Wilderness) has been with me more and more lately, if you couldn't already tell from my previous post, Green Walk. I don't know why; I just feel like I'm on the brink of something huge, but I can't tell what it is...like a blind man standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon.

God's got something big in store.

Peace.

Green walk

So, the past couple days have been really great. Thursday night, I was at my second job when some huge thunderstorms rolled in, and the sky was beautiful. Dark, foreboding clouds, blue skies, lots of rain, lightning, a golden sunset, and a rainbow...all at the same time. It was amazing.

The next morning, it was still raining quite a bit, but I found a break between the rain and took a walk at the Harris Nature Center in Okemos, one of my favorite places to get away in the Lansing area. Everything was green and covered in raindrops, and some of the shrubs were flowering beautifully. I originally went to go birdwatching, but after a while I had to put down my notebook and just enjoy it all. It was too good for pictures...almost too much for me to handle. It was that feeling of sehnsucht, the emotional moment described several times in Wapiti Wilderness; it made me tear up a  bit. A couple times, all I could do was just stand there and try to take it in, barely able to comprehend the beauty of it all, and yet at the same time realising that there is so much more...if the world can be this beautiful (and more so), then how glorious, majestic, awe-inspiring, and breathtaking must God be?

I can't wait to see.

Peace.

My supervisor

So, as I've said in previous posts, my park ranger job is going well. One of the most interesting and unexpected aspects of it has been the interactions I've had with my supervisor.

On one of my first training shifts, I came to find out I remind him a little of his grandfather: a religious man who enjoys a good pipe-smoke. Just the other day, I discovered we both are really into birds when I impressed him by identifying a Sharp-shinned Hawk on the River Trail.

Very interestingly: although I believe he came from your average mid-Michigan farming family, he knows quite a bit about the homeless and also seems to have a good bit of compassion for them. When they come up in conversation (which is semi-frequently, as we're working in areas of Lansing where the homeless can actually stay without being bothered by others), he usually ends up explaining something about them or defending them.

One thing that really got me thinking was a statement he made just recently. We were driving along the River Trail in the Gator and passed an African-American woman. Both of us waved and smiled (the unspoken rule for greeting everyone when we're working so we don't seem like we're tools), but the woman just looked away. After we passed her, my supervisor said, "And that is why racism will never die." He went on to explain that's pretty much the reaction he gets from most African-Americans while he's at work, and how he wishes it was different.

 I wonder if this guy studied sociology in college.

 As I thought about what he said, it occurred to me that racism seems to have changed since a few thousand years ago (Disclaimer: I haven't studied any of this in depth, so maybe I'm way off base and need to be corrected, but these are the thoughts I had). When I read about racism in the ancient world, it seems like it was less focused on skin colour in particular and more on specific cultures. One example would be the Jews and the Samaritans in Biblical times. They were probably very similar as far as physical appearance goes, but they were totally separate cultures, and hated each other. If racism really was more culturally-based (again, I may be wrong in thinking this), then certain "racisms" would naturally die out, as cultures eventually disintegrate. If racism is based on skin colour, however, what is the end point? When every colour eventually gets mixed into one? haha. Seriously, though, I can see why someone might say it will never die (I think my logic is good, I just don't know if my facts are, so feel free to correct me in the comments).

In the end, however, I am convinced that it will die. I believe God when He says in Scripture that Christ will come again, and there will be a new heaven and a new earth, and we will receive new bodies. Everything will be refreshed, including our relationships with Him and each other. Then we will see the death of racism, and it will be another reason to worship God.

Peace.

 P.S.: I would LOVE to know who keeps searching for my blog in a Russian search engine (yes, I know you're there)...if you could just leave a comment and let me know, I'm very curious. I don't even have to publish the comment if you don't want me to...I just would really like to know!