ughhhhhh

So, here I sit at 3:20 am, typing out a blog because I can't sleep. I would really appreciate sleep at this point, but whatevs.

I've been thinking as I lay in bed. I've realized through my own actions lately that I've been going back to some of my old habits, and they totally snuck back in without me realizing it. Arrogance. The "I'm right, you're wrong" syndrome. I hate feeling like a jerk, and yet at the same time, I'm so good at it. I feel like I was somewhat rude to a friend of mine who stopped by my room this evening who doesn't come by often, and I felt like they left less happy because of the way I was acting. That's been bothering me. I've realized that since I got back to school, my relationship with God has come to an almost complete standstill. The funny thing is...I am not even taking a class right now. I'm waiting to start job training for campus safety next week, and I'm just chillin at school with nothing to do at ALL until then. So, why am I not closer to God? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I have all the time in the world to give to Him, and I have completely wasted almost all of it since I got back to school. I've been playing silly games, playing guitar, hanging out with people, sleeping, and just doing nothing in general. None of these things are necesarily bad, but I have completely made this time off about entertaining myself until I have something to do. Oh my gosh. The very thing I so adamantly advocate against to everyone around me (spending time foolishly without thinking of or spending any of it with God) has become my lifestyle as of late.

Well, tomorrow's Sunday, and this idiot has to lead worship bright and early...epic fail.

Thank You, God, that Your mercies are new each morning...thank You, God, that You never leave our sides, even when we try so hard to run away from You...even when we try to take a sledgehammer to the walls of Your kingdom, You call us back inside. I am so foolish and messed up. I want to do better. After lunch tomorrow, I don't have anything going on again all day...so I'm going to take a break from all the nothing I've been doing and just sit in silence with God and His Word.

Peace.