So, apologies in advance if this is kind of a downer blog, but I wanted to say something here without spouting it out all over Facebook. I've been having a rough couple of days spiritually...along the lines of serious doubts in my faith. It's been really hard on me, and my mom could even tell something was wrong with me today. These doubts just hit me all of a sudden, and they made me really depressed and confused.
I've been listening to a lot of less than God-honoring music lately, and at home it's hard for me to spend a lot of time around people who really love God. I wouldn't say these in and of themselves are contributing factors, but outside of those, I don't really know why these doubts hit me so hard. It sucks. Really bad. For a while, I wasn't sure what was going to happen. It's especially hard when you don't see anyone who matches the description of a Christian as outlined in the Bible.
As I said, there's a reason I didn't want to put this directly on Facebook. I've been begging God to help me see the truth through this, and He has shown me hope. He's also let me know subtly that I need to stop lowering my standards. I've been doing that a lot lately, now that I think about it. I've been listening to a lot of stuff that's just no good on the radio, under the pretense of wanting to listen to "good" music. I've been lowering my standards for the kind of relationship I'm looking for by thinking things like, "Oh, well, she's pretty, and likes Jesus enough."
...what happened to me? Good grief, God has been showing me so many things lately, and I repay Him with unbelief? I've been asking His forgiveness and help with this...and He has been faithful to restore my faith in small, simple ways today.
I was listening to Demon Hunter's song "Shallow Water" earlier this evening, and it made me think about how I don't challenge myself with sacrifice...I do sacrifice, but not to the point of needing to trust in God. I need to take a step deeper in faith if I'm going to really see God work.
Here's the chorus to the song I mentioned:
"Tread shallow water: safe from the weight, the burden of sacrifice.
Sons and daughters, pray for the rain. May it redeem their eyes."
If you've read this far, I would ask for your prayers as the second line of that chorus goes.
Peace.
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1 comment:
First Casey I want to say thank you for sharing this and pouring out your heart.
Right before college I got with extreme cases of doubt and questioning which really contributed to the depression. It sucks so bad but what you reap from it is incredible.
You are in my prayers friend. I'm praying for rain.
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