So, I would like this to be short, but either way, I want to get this out of my head and onto...something, as I've been thinking about it for a while now. I've always thought of "masks" in certain ways (and I'm not referring to Halloween disguises, I'm talking about the fronts people put up to keep others from getting too close): the "everything in my life is just great" mask common at church on Sundays, the mask of makeup many girls wear to make themselves look "better," etc. I had always thought myself to be mask-free; I have discovered, unfortunately, that I have one of my own. It's called the "I am rough, tough, and immoveable, and I feel no pain" mask. The "jerk" mask, the typical "man" mask, but not one which I realized I was wearing until now. I've realized I put on this mask at certain times, mostly when I'm around girls. It's not even necessarily whether I am somewhat attracted to a girl or not; I just feel inadequate around certain people, so I try to find ways for me to cover it up. I posted in "Construction Zone #2" the way God was showing me how I need to be more encouraging toward others; well, I think God has shown me the root of this problem: fear. This is something which I have been struggling with for some time now, and now I think I see how I have been wearing this mask to cover my fears up. At times, I'm afraid of not being as "manly" as other guys around me, so I put up the mask. At other times, I'm afraid of being hurt again and hurting others again, so I withdraw any emotional attachment and put up the mask. This has to stop. The mask, even as much as it has "helped" me (at least in my own mind), has seriously inhibited me from having real relationships with people whose friendships I sincerely value. So, I have to find out how to live without the mask. We've all heard the sermons and messages about not wearing masks, and I for one have heard them all...yet here I sit, talking about how I just discovered mine for the first time. Heh. I guess I can chalk up another irony which God has revealed to me about myself. I want to be real to my friends. I want to be real to those I care about as my closest brothers and sisters. I want to stop putting up a front and start loving people more fully, the way I'm supposed to and the way they deserve.
I haven't done this on my blog for a while, but for those of you who read this, I would ask for your prayers in regards to what I just posted. Also, for a reason I will not post for the entire internetz to read, I almost kind of ran away from my family for the night...so I could also really use prayer for strength and peace in Christ while I'm at home for the rest of Christmas break.
In other news, I found out that I pretty much have a job as a campus safety officer at Spring Arbor when I get back to school. It's technically unofficial as of yet, but the director basically said it might as well be official at this point. It's going to be nice to have a job again, especially over J-Term. Since I'm not taking a class for those three weeks, I should be able to get a good amount of work in. Yay.
I guess this post was not as short as I was hoping it would be. Oh well.
Peace.
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Wow Casey, this was really touching, I just wrote about brokenness yesterday, so maybe this is something God wants people to think about. And, I'm sure you know this, but it's okay to be broken - as long as it is a willingness to let yourself be fixed kind of broken. God created you and said good - don't ever cover that up. And I really will be praying for you. Thanks for sharing.
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