A thought on masks

So, I would like this to be short, but either way, I want to get this out of my head and onto...something, as I've been thinking about it for a while now. I've always thought of "masks" in certain ways (and I'm not referring to Halloween disguises, I'm talking about the fronts people put up to keep others from getting too close): the "everything in my life is just great" mask common at church on Sundays, the mask of makeup many girls wear to make themselves look "better," etc. I had always thought myself to be mask-free; I have discovered, unfortunately, that I have one of my own. It's called the "I am rough, tough, and immoveable, and I feel no pain" mask. The "jerk" mask, the typical "man" mask, but not one which I realized I was wearing until now. I've realized I put on this mask at certain times, mostly when I'm around girls. It's not even necessarily whether I am somewhat attracted to a girl or not; I just feel inadequate around certain people, so I try to find ways for me to cover it up. I posted in "Construction Zone #2" the way God was showing me how I need to be more encouraging toward others; well, I think God has shown me the root of this problem: fear. This is something which I have been struggling with for some time now, and now I think I see how I have been wearing this mask to cover my fears up. At times, I'm afraid of not being as "manly" as other guys around me, so I put up the mask. At other times, I'm afraid of being hurt again and hurting others again, so I withdraw any emotional attachment and put up the mask. This has to stop. The mask, even as much as it has "helped" me (at least in my own mind), has seriously inhibited me from having real relationships with people whose friendships I sincerely value. So, I have to find out how to live without the mask. We've all heard the sermons and messages about not wearing masks, and I for one have heard them all...yet here I sit, talking about how I just discovered mine for the first time. Heh. I guess I can chalk up another irony which God has revealed to me about myself. I want to be real to my friends. I want to be real to those I care about as my closest brothers and sisters. I want to stop putting up a front and start loving people more fully, the way I'm supposed to and the way they deserve.

I haven't done this on my blog for a while, but for those of you who read this, I would ask for your prayers in regards to what I just posted. Also, for a reason I will not post for the entire internetz to read, I almost kind of ran away from my family for the night...so I could also really use prayer for strength and peace in Christ while I'm at home for the rest of Christmas break.

In other news, I found out that I pretty much have a job as a campus safety officer at Spring Arbor when I get back to school. It's technically unofficial as of yet, but the director basically said it might as well be official at this point. It's going to be nice to have a job again, especially over J-Term. Since I'm not taking a class for those three weeks, I should be able to get a good amount of work in. Yay.

I guess this post was not as short as I was hoping it would be. Oh well.

Peace.

Journal Entry 2

So, last time I posted one of my journal entries, it was about singleness and the purpose of relationships. This post is going to be of another couple of entries I wrote a long time ago. It's not particularly something that I'm feeling right now, but I was reminded of it, so I thought I would share it. I'll post the dates for the entries with them, and then I'll finish up with some of my present thoughts.

3-28-08:

"This is a little epiphany I had some time ago, possibly during J-Term. It's something that I still need to think about and be reminded of.

Grief is a good thing to have. It shows how much you care for the person you are grieving over. However, you must take special care not to let it consume you. Being consumed with grief can almost put you in a worse condition than the person you are concerned about. Sympathy and empathy are wonderful to have, but you should never try to shoulder the weight all by yourself. Sometimes it's easier to fall into a mournful depression than it is to receive the joy of knowing that you do not have to carry it alone. Just think: If you are so grieved for this person, can you possibly imagine how much more their Father is, the One who knew their very heart and soul before their birth? Give your burdens and grief over to Him."

3-29-08:

"'It's not my problem anymore. You see, it never really was.' - 'Sinking,' Jars of Clay"

I wrote these down during the winter of my freshman year at SAU. I was being completely consumed with grief during J-Term that year because someone I cared for very deeply was having a horrible time in their life, and was doing things I knew would only help toward their own eventual self-destruction. God taught me a lot over J-Term that year, including what I posted above. I would like now now add Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 7:10-11a: "For godly gried produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. For see what earnestness this gried has produces in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment!" Wow. God showed me the difference between godly grief and worldly grief outside of this passage, then cemented in into my head through this passage. What an amazing God! My next entry (written down the next day, although the idea actually came a lot later than the previous entry) is pretty much the final say in the matter, and the point at which Christ gave me true freedom from what was once consuming my being.

Again, not something that I've been dealing with lately, but as I write this post out, I'm realizing how important this really is to remember. The few things I've written in my journal during the time I've had it are not very long, but they are things which glorify God's name by revealing very important lessons which He has taught me over the years. Since I only write in my journal sporadically and at times when I feel God is most strongly and obviously speaking to me, there's not many left, haha, but I'll be sure to post more of them in the future...so keep an eye out.

Side note: I went to a Christmas party for the Sokol side of my family this past Sunday afternoon. By the prodding of one of my aunts (in her own words," Life's too short!"), I gave my real dad a hug for pretty much the first time ever. That...is something which, for most of my life, I never thought would happen or which I would never get the chance to do. I hope maybe someday I can call him "dad."

Peace.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

So, it's been a good Christmas Day. Good family time, good music time, good food time. Lots of sweets and games. I'm pretty beyond presents at this point, and my mom has realized this, which has made this time of year better, in my opinion.

One of my posts from November last year ("Hi again") explains my interesting family situation, so I won't bother writing it all out for you here, other than saying that two summers ago I "discovered" an entire side of my family which I didn't know about. Weird. So, I'll be spending this Sunday afternoon with a bunch of them for Christmas for the first time. I'm pretty excited about it. Last year at Thanksgiving with that side of my family (Sokol, which was my surname at birth), I was given a cookbook of a bunch of their family recipes. I was just looking at it this morning, and there are a LOT of really delicious-sounding recipes in it...so, when I get a job and get back to Spring Arbor this winter, I might be making some good food, for anyone interested. =]

Anyways, I really don't have much of importance to say, I just felt like typing stuff, haha. Since I have all those other good times listed at the top, I think I'll add some good God time to the list right now.

Peace.

Meh.

So, today I got my grades back for this semester. The song "Bad Day" comes to mind. Most of my classes went well, and I got good grades in general. In fact, I thought I was going to lose a scholarship for next semester, which would've been really rough; however, I found out that my GPA stayed above the minimum to keep it by o.o5 points. WHEW!

Unfortunately, however, the grade for the class which I thought was going to make me lose the scholarship (my Pentateuch class) was still pretty bad. I got a C- in it, which is totally what I deserved...but the most unfortunate part is that it's a required class specifically for my major, meaning I needed a straight C in order for it to count toward my major. Fail. I'm now in the process of discussing this with my academic advisor and fixing up my academic schedule to put in another class to fill the requirement. Not exactly fun, but I have learned at least one good lesson about myself through this. Just as I discussed in part in my last post, and as discussed by a friend of mine recently (http://consumingzeal.blogspot.com/2009/12/desire-so-enticing.html), "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." I need discipline, and God has been pounding this fact into my head all day through my own actions and through my grade report.

Hope you get better grades than me, lol.

Peace.

A sad realization

So far, Christmas break this year has been better than pretty much all my times at home have been in a long time. Before break, I decided to have a serious attitude change before returning, and my mom has even noticed this. However, I am having a more difficult time in changing for the better when it comes to my relationship with God. This morning, God convicted me of my laziness in this matter. I looked at my walk with God, and I was disturbed by where I am. I very often stray from the path God wants me on to pursue my own selfish desires. I recently experienced a cross-carrying moment that left me feeling really encouraged and strengthened in Christ...but when I failed to do the same thing again because I wasn't relying on Him, I realized how long it has been since I've actually carried my cross for Christ's sake. I break and give in so quickly to my selfishness, it's a wonder that God has brought me this far. I have to start not only disciplining myself to do what I know is right and true, but also start actually putting my trust in God and truly asking for strength from Him.

In other news, I have a giant pile of clothes in my van right now that I received from guys in Ormston who wanted to donate them to those in need. No, I wasn't referring to myself when I told them that; several of us were going to donate them to who-knows-where in Jackson, but we never really got anything organized. So, hopefully, today I'll be running them up to a Goodwill in Okemos. Yay Goodwill. I'm tempted to take in a huge pocketful of change and buy some cassette tapes for my van while I'm in town...hehe.

Peace.

Through the dark

So, I am officially home for Christmas break, and it's already been a struggle even after only a day. However, I want things to be different this break: between myself and God, and between myself and my family. I want to be a light to my family, and I know that can only happen with God's help...so I need to seek Him hardcore.

I was listening to some music on the way back from a Saturday night service in Holt, and I hit a Building 429 song that I hand't really listened to before; the lyrics resounded in me, though. I'll share a snippet of it:

"But I won't question in the dark what is true out in the light;
I will follow after You through the sun and through the night.

I won't question in the dark what is true out in the light;
I will follow after You through the storm and through the fight.

'Cause You've got me right where You want me;
Yeah, You've got me right where I need to be,
And I'm standing amazed."

It's so hard to see God's will when I get back home on breaks, because I just want to chill and entertain myself through the boring times. However, I know that God has a plan for me even for the short time while I'm home, although that fact breezes by me so often. I lose sight of God when I'm home: saying I'm going to seek Him, yet lacking the follow-through when it's most important. My arrogance says I don't need to dive into God's Word because I already know enough...even as untrue as that is, this is the attitude I take when I find myself bored. So, instead of seeking His will through Scripture or prayer, I find something else to do...like play music, check my e-mail, etc. Those are fine...but when I already haven't spent enought time with God that day, it adds up to a whole lot of nothing, and I end up regretting not spending that time with Him later.

So, then...how do I go about fixing my hypocrisy? I'm going to go spend some time with my Saviour right now and figure that out.

Peace.

Good grief.

So, I had a nuclear meltdown last night, in my soul and in my head...if you couldn't tell from my last post. Things are better now, and I'm seeing God's will a little more clearly in regard to my idea of going to the International House of Prayer next fall. My mom was absolutely and immoveably opposed to the idea of me going there before I graduate, and after discussing the situation with a couple of guys on my floor, it came down to one question: If my going to IHOP next fall will harm my relationship with my mom so much, and if I can still be a disciple and seek God here at Spring Arbor, then should I really go? I think, according to what God has revealed about His character to me, that the answer is no. I don't personally agree with the reasons for which she opposed it, but in the end, I think it's going to be wiser to defer to her, especially when I wasn't really sure if it was God's will anyway...I just wanted it to be. Honestly, I feel like I may have used His name in vain for my own argumentative purposes in this situation...I am such a hypocrite. Well, anyways, the point of this is to reassure those who have read my latest posts that the situation is being resolved, I have a lot more peace about staying here at Spring Arbor until I graduate, and I have a lot more peace in general about what God wants me to do. A ton of guys on my floor were praying for me about all this last night throughout the various stages of my meltdown, and I really, really appreciated it. Thank you, all who prayed for and encouraged me through this.

Peace.

There are no words...

God, is it just my impatience, or is it Your calling?

God, are You prodding me to jump, or are You trying to hold me back?

God, is it my rebellion, or is it Yours?

God, are these my dreams, or are they Your plans?

God, what is Your will?

God, if I make the wrong decision, what will happen?

God, I'm so confused right now. I don't know what action to take. I'll try to fumble through the guidance You have given me, even with my limited abilities.

Goodnight.

I love Jesus.

So, almost a week ago, I left a post on here in which I talked about possibly going to the International House of Prayer next fall. Well, myself and three other guys on Ormston Three have been talking about this and praying like crazy all week because of it. Presently, there's a student awakening going on at IHOP University, and they've been meeting for six hours Wednesday-Saturday nights AND putting it on the web as a live stream. We've been watching this as much as possible and truly praying in the Spirit, and we've really been experiencing God's love, power, and will for our lives. Healings, both spiritual and physical, have already been happening among the guys on my floor, even in this small amount of time. It's crazy. With all of IHOP's talk of revival, we got tired of just sitting around here at Spring Arbor and praying for revival to just happen, so we decided to give ourselves to God and ask to be used for it. We hope that God will bring revival to campus soon; we're praying for it and living it out in the name of Jesus.

I guess that's the whole update for now. Ask me about it if you want to know more.

Peace.

Hungry? Try IHOP!

So, in regard to my previous "rethinking Spring Arbor"-type post, I would like to continue the discussion. Last night, a group of guys on my floor and myself had a long discussion on the work of the Holy Spirit, revival, and truly living as disciples of Jesus Christ. We had a really intense time of prayer afterward, and then we started another crazy conversation. We got into discussing what it takes to really follow Christ: surrendering all our rights, dreams, and lives, and even selling our possessions *GASP.* I am so past the American Dream it's ridiculous. Since our prayer session last night, I have been getting over all my dreams in life, a lot of my selfish desires (like NEEDING a Playstation 2 with Dynasty Warriors 5 to play on it), and I have had a full day of joy, peace, and more real times with God than I have had in a long time. I am ready to get rid of all the crap I own, other than what I truly need. I got rid of a couple games on my computer that are really time-consuming, I'm giving away the Playstation 2 tomorrow, even though I JUST bought it, and I can't stand the thought of actually buying an album of music anymore. We want to start a floor fund for Compassion International. At one point last night, I think my friend Cameron brought up his idea of going away to the International House of Prayer in Kansas City. He talked about it a bit, so we looked it up. On the main page there was a video we watched which addressed pretty much everything we had been discussing...and since we had been discussing how to identify the Holy Spirit's calling and movements, and had actually prayed about it a lot, we took it to be an answer for us. Crazy. The four of us who had been seriously wondering what we're doing at Spring Arbor decided to seriously pray about and look into attending IHOP's university. I won't discuss it much here, because I really don't want to make it sound like this is something that is 100% happening (boasting about tomorrow is bad), but we are really serious about this. I want to leave everything behind that I cling to so closely and just seek God. We all know that God won't be "more there," but we are all so discontent here at Spring Arbor, and we are paying a lot of money to not know what we're doing here. Talk to me about this sometime...I don't feel like typing it all out.

Peace.